BREAKING: Team DB Punches Back

Dick Burns flips Safari's SUV after last night's games.

It didn't take long for Team Dick Burns (DB) to retaliate against the comments made by Safari just a few nights ago.

For those who did not catch last night's post, Safari replied "Winners win; losers send out good luck messages" in response to Dick Burns' earlier email that wished all select-GMs good luck during this year's Redemption season. Well, after Sunday's games, it looks as though Team DB got the last laugh this weekend.

"I let my big D do the talking," Dick Burns said.

Some may speculate that he was referring to the elephant in his pants, but the Fucking Randy is more inclined to think that he was referring to his big defense core; last night, his tandem of Edler and Boyle amassed 14.20 points combined. Big. Fucking. D.

That's not to say Team DB forwards didn't show up, either. Marleau recorded two goals last night, while Malkin, the no. 2 selection overall in this year's draft, finally cashed in big on the score sheet, recording 3 assists in Pittsburgh's win over the Coyotes. Team Burgundy also cashed in; Crosby recorded his first point of the season, racking up an assist.

"Jeah, Crosby, jeah!" purred Burgundy, with both hands beneath his trousers. "I'm calling Sitch immediately to tell him the news!"

Sitch, after learning of Crosby's assist.

Sitch, who has now been pushed down to the last spot in the Redemption rankings, could not be reached for comment (again). However, confirmed reports have noted that he was seen at a local all-you-can-eat-sushi venue shortly after Crosby recorded his assist and ordered a big tub of rice in an effort to carbo-load to prepare for his next body plan. Local eye witnesses said that Sitch looks like he's in the best condition of his life, though his eyes look supremely stressed.

Don't worry, Sitch; the season is only two games in. There will be plenty of opportunities to eat more nice rice. Why not ration your carbo-loads more evenly?

"Winners show manner; losers eat rice," said Dick Burns when he learned of Sitch's rice gorging.

Wise words, Dick.

UPDATE: Sitch has been admitted to Redemption General Hospital (RGH) for overeating. Medical staff on hand say that he is in stable condition, though his carbohydrate levels are off the charts. Safari, who was admitted late last night after his SUV was flipped by Dick Burns, was released from RGH with minor injuries.