Cold, Hard preDICKtions

The sky is blue, and the air is crisp. There's a pervertian smirk on all faces of the select-GMs. They think they can win Randy's Redemption 2013. I laugh at their thoughts; my Kirman Persian rug is stained from the spilt brandy I was holding while my sides split. But I do not care; being a two-time Pulitzer Prize winner has provided generous amounts of coin into the House of Randy, and replacing a Persian rug is pennies for this rich fuck.

Now, I shall be the voice of reason for these select-GMs. The odds are against you. And, I will not wish you good luck, for I do not believe in it. But, I do believe in nature over nurture, and I do believe in prophecy.

I'll show you Mayans a think or two...

I am not predicting who will win Randy's Redemption. That would be too easy; I've already got a 25% chance for success. Instead, I will defy all odds, and provide monstrous preDICKtions, sure to give ample entertainment, as well as punch each GM in the dick as most of these prophecies are sure to occur, and they will hurt their respective teams.

the preDICKtions

Me tho thorry Thitch!

(1) KARLSSON will not lead all D-men in scoring - Sorry Sitch. I know you wasted a high pick for getting Eric, and I may have done the same thing if I were in your shoes, but #65 is sure to be covered heavily by all opponents this season, and the likelihood that he will be able to mirror numbers from last season are unlikely. He'll still be above average, but nothing more.

(2) PARISE will suffer a significant shoulder injury while playing in the West - This is sure to piss off Safari (sorry, it feels weird to call him Manneater). With all the hype, the money, and the girls-gone-Minnesota-Wild, Parise will be too busy inking poon to hit mesh; the West will destroy his body.

(3) KOVALCHUK will not score more than 16 goals this season - Ok, he had a great campaign last season (37 G), but that was with Parise & Co. This time around he won't be so fortunate. Burgundy, you can put away the Kovy Kalendar.

(4) HARTNELL will rack up PIMs, and little else. In fact, he'll score less than Kovalchuk - Dickery is going to go ape-shit over this one, but I'm sticking to my guns. Philly has the muscle, but the changing winds inform the Fucking Randy that Hartnell won't have the hustle.

(5) HOWARD will get wins in Detroit, but nothing more - No Lidstrom, no support. Detroit will still win, but their GAA will skyrocket, and Howard's slightly-above average skill set will finally show. Luongo, on the other hand, will finish with better stats and fantasy points than Howard, as soon as he finds a home.

"GFY," telegraphs Burgundy.

... and now for glory preDICKtions ("the money beats"):

Hello there, Dickery.

(6) DICK BURNS will go through fifteen packs of boxers while in the East Cost - Newfie chicks will give Dickery some much needed piston-pumping, which he will surely appreciate after the undisclosed upper body injury he suffered about a year ago. Other than being absolutely pissed about his cookies being stolen by bitch-tastic roommates, he'll constantly rip on the quality of his crappy Fruit of the Loom boxers.

(7) AZNSITCH will crunch a record 220lbs of resistance - This may be impressive (even for someone with an abdomen like his) but it will be less admirable when he admits the feat was accomplished by frustration. He'll be so pissed on a nightly basis when Crosby outscores his precious Stamkos that he'll turn off hockey and spend his lonely nights crunching his abs. His training will therefore be unparalleled.

(8) SAFARI will disappear for a period of 27 days - He will report back to Randy's Redemption stating that he 'had no internet', but in reality his disappearance will be attributed back to his side-project of modelling pubic hairs for a Brazilian male magazine. I guess he's not the only one gunning for a Pulitzer Prize - all the best, Safari.

(9) BURGUNDY will obtain a Masters of Penial Analytics (MPA) from his studies - After years of fantasizing about holding the all-mighty Crosboner, Burgundy will take it upon himself to finally pair his prime bone obsession with academia and obtain an MPA. And, being a fan of Excel myself, I can see Burgundy erecting some excellent peni valuations within the program. Some would call this utterly despicable; I call it using what God gave you.

"If God gave me one thing, it was the gift of time," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick. (assuming by "time" you meant "never being on time")

UPDATE: One more prediction - (10) LA will win a second consecutive Stanley Cup. That is all.