WK1 - Big Dickery

Welcome to Randy's Weekly Recap!

This is your source for all the weekly stats that have occurred inside the Redemption. See, Burg's so desperately wanted me to publish these on a nightly basis, but that is simply impossible; pumping these reports out on a weekly basis is tough enough.

"For the record, I just wanted to show that I was technically in second based on points-per-games-played, not third," said Burgundy last week, when his total point accumulations were 'skewed' due to his fewer games played. I argued with him for a while about the frequency of statistical reporting, but not surprisingly, his premature nature always made him to wish for stat reports to be published earlier as opposed to later. I gave in this one time; in future, stat reports will be compiled and published on a weekly basis.

Dick Burns takes a shit, for shits and giggles.

Anyway, with the completion of week one (period ending 1/27/2013), Dick Burns has taken the early lead, and is the first select-GM to crack the 200 point mark. He is actually shitting all over the competition presently, ranking first in total points AND points-per-games-played ("Fucking bullshit!" yells Burgundy). What is surprising is that he has accomplished this feat with no reliance on goaltending; to date, his goalies have accumulated -7.75 points.

Here are the numbers (courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine):

So, which players have been shitting over the competition, and which are just full of shit? The Fucking Randy has all your answers below.

Shitting Over the Competition

Marleau (Dick Burns) - Eight goals. Are you fucking shitting me? No wait; you're shitting ON me. Owned by Dick Burns who drafted him in round 11, Marleau is this weeks top performer, amassing over 45 points. Can't get much better than that.

Gaborik (Dick Burns) - A few multi-point nights later and Gaborik has returned to superstar status, and has added over 1 inch onto Dick Burns' phallus.

Karlsson (AznSitch) - Not necessarily this week's top point producer, but Karlsson has 3G and 2A a week into the season. He's outscoring more than 75% of the forwards out there; looks like my preDICKtion may be in jeopardy. 

Full of Shit

Ma bad, guys... ma bad.

I'm going to sum it all up with one word: goalies. The Redemption goaltenders have sucked balls and are simply full of shit. Lundqvist (AznSitch), Rinne (Safari), and Quick (Burgundy) have all amassed fewer than 10 points this week, and Fleury (Dick Burns) has fewer than 4 points. Not surprisingly, select-GMs have been dropping their Gs faster than Team DB drops a deuce.

"Who needs Gs when you've got a big fat D?" comments Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.