Off to the Races

Safari takes early lead, AznSitch crunches 150lbs in excitement.

The shortened NHL 2013 season officially launched yesterday and all GM's blew their loads; it was like the sky rained industrial glue. Sticky dickies all around.

In an uncharacteristic twist, some select-GMs of Randy's Redemption showed manner and gentlemanly composure. Before puck was officially dropped, Dick Burns sent out a courtesy email to all GM's (as well as to the Fucking Commissioner himself!) wishing them all good luck this upcoming season. The kind remarks were also followed up by Burgundy, who also added personalized comments to each and every select-GM.

However, the atmosphere was not all gingerly.

AznSitch and Safari did not reciprocate, and had pretty harsh replies when questioned about the sitchuation.

"Winners win; losers send out good luck messages," responded Safari in between his pubic grooming session.

AznSitch could not be reached for comment, as he was "in between reps" according to one of his seven personal trainers.

Safari addresses the media after last night's pubic grooming.

You could call it scare tactics; you could call it playing the game; you could call it simply being an asshole. One thing the Fucking Randy knows for sure is that the behavior from these select-GM's has certainly made things more interesting inside the Redemption. I'm not saying who was right, but you cannot argue with the numbers; after last night's games, Safari and AznSitch both sit atop the rankings.

"Jeah, well, I still think they're toolies at the end of the day," Burgundy told the media while on his way to a mahogany convention.

True as that may be, Burgundy's remarks are likely more bitter due to the performance of his teen-crush Crosby, who was held pointless last night. The season is still young, but any time a first round selection fails to book points translates to a dick punch. Adding to the misery was Burgundy's goalie tandem of Howard (Det) and Quick (LA), who were shelled last night by their opponents and scored negative point accumulations. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Howard has since been let go by Team Burgundy, and Ryan Miller (Buf) is expected to take over tender duties.

In an unrelated unconfirmed source, it was reported that AznSitch crunched a whopping 150lbs at the gym when his entourage informed him that Crosby was held pointless.

"You know what I say to Safari's comments?" said Dick Burns, who currently sits 4th in the rankings. "Nothing. Because I don't respond to dick-less bitches."

It looks like the gentlemanly composure was short lived. Nonetheless, wise words, Dick.