WK3 - Ice Burg Dead Ahead

"'You've been poached?' Is that Spanish? You know I don't speak Spanish. I must have misunderstood you because Mr. Ron Burgundy could never be poached." - Burgundy, 02/10/2013

I was in fact speaking English, Burgs. And yes, you were poached. However, after the games played last night, I can report that you are once again at the top of the Redemption rankings.

"Jeah," said Burgundy.

"Poached? Ain't that got somethin' to do with eggs?"

Week three of the Redemption came to a close last night, and Burgundy was able to secure his number one rank for two consecutive weeks. Safari had taken (or poached, if you will) top spot earlier this week, but gave it back soon after. Dick Burns, week one's top select-GM, resides in the number three spot, while AznSitch is still gasping for breath at the bottom.

"I only gasp for the breath when I'm pushing my body to its limits," said Sitch. "And that would never happen in the Redemption. It only ever happens at my Goodlyfe Body Centres, where I show my loyal fanbase my fitness regiment, Bitch-It's-Sitch!"

I highly doubt that, Sitch. I'm sure you were gasping for breath while you were at RGH, coughing up rice and drowning in your own carbohydrates. Being at the bottom for three consecutive weeks has got to hurt.

Anyways, here are the charts, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

So who has been melting up the ice? Who's frozen in an ice capsule? Why, the Fucking Randy will tell you, bitches.

Melting Up the Ice

Crosby (Burgundy) - 1G, 6A this week. It's safe to presume that Burgundy's Crosbone is harder than the ice berg that sunk the Titanic.

"Don't act like your not impressed," said Burgundy, nonchalantly.

Rinne (Safari) - Thanks to a monster shut out ("Yes, I can!" yells Maguire) Rinne was this week's top performer in the Redemption, accumulating 26.75 points. Honorable mention goes to Vanek, who collected 4G, 3A despite Buffalo's continuing losses.

Brodeur (Dick Burns) - Quietly picked up by Team DB a few weeks ago, Brodeur has been consistent, posting three wins this week for 20.25 points. Not bad; looks like Team DB has found a potential solution to its goaltending woes.

Frozen in an Ice Capsule

Nash (Sitch) - This has got to be frustrating Sitch. Nash was supposed to be the answer to the NYRs lack of scoring, but it hasn't been the case. Nash mustered up 1A this week and hardly ever makes it to the highlight reels. Perry (Sitch, dropped by Burgundy this week) is also in a slump, though he is currently a benchwarmer on Sitch's team.

"I picked him up based on two things: (1) historical performance, and (2) contract year. He's better than the stats he's producing thus far, and he'll be gunning for a monster contract whether he stays with the Ducks or not," said Sitch.

Thornton (Safari) and Marleau (Dick Burns) - It looks as if the Shark's offense has dropped off. Both Thornton and Marleau were held off the scoresheets in this week's games after absolutely ripping up the league in the first two weeks.

Maybe it's the ebbs and flows ("Jeah!" said Burgundy), or maybe it's the fashion taste of Jumbo Joe (see photo). Regardless, it can't be comforting, especially for Dick Burns, who heavily relied on Marleau during the first few weeks of Redemption competition.

"I hate to say it, but Marleau needs Thornton, which means I am at the mercy of that fashion-less man," said Dick Burns. "The only thing worse than what he's currently wearing would be a Tap-Out shirt."

"Hey man, those are the fucking shit!" rebutted AznSitch.

"No, they're really not," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.