Next Question with Dickery Burns

The Fucking Randy is honored to bring you the second edition of Next Question.

"If you think this is long..."

Today's feature is select-GM Dickery Burns, aka. Dick Burns, Team DB. I accompanied Sir Dick on one of his shopping errands earlier this week and took the opportunity to find out more about his character. Let's take a look at the findings, shall we?

[the following interview took place on 02/05/2013, Fruit of the Looms Body Shop]

Dick, it is a pleasure.

That's what she said.

Nice one, Dick. So how is the Redemption treating you?

You should have asked me that a few weeks ago when I was anal-thwarting the competition, Fucking Randy. Back then it was absolutely amazing; it was as if the Redemption was mine. Marleau, Gaborik, big D-men... they were all working for Team DB. I was throwing dick punches all around. Now it's a different story. But overall, the Redemption is going well.

What do you like about your team?

I like my team the way I like my racks; Cs and Ds. Malkin is holding up well at my C position, and my Ds are strong, hard, and ready to score. Weber has been a bit of a disappointment (0G, 0A), but I imagine he'll turn it around. If not, I may have to cut him loose; I cannot afford to have a soft D (that's what she said).

We would ALL love it if our racks were Cs and Ds. Now tell me, Dickery, where did you get your name?

Is it really that mysterious? I mean, the name is exactly as it sounds: DICK BURNS. I've got a dick, I've shaved the burns on it; hence, Dick Burns.

Can you prove it?

[Dick Burns proceeds to take off is pants, mid Fruit of the Looms Body Shop. A lady by a clothes rack looks over, faints, and hits her head on a pole. She is later diagnosed with a serious concussion.]

Damn, Dick Burns. Damn.

[Referring to his dick burns] One of a kind, Fucking Randy. One of a kind.

So how have the Newfie ladies been treating you?

They've been relatively good to my dick (and burns). But to be honest, they aren't bonafide Cs and Ds, so I can't say that I'm entirely satisfied. They say that opposites attract, right? Well, that's the problem with being awesome like myself.

Sounds like such a burden. Now, give me some Redemption gossip. Who you hatin'?

I wouldn't say that I hate anyone, per se. As you can probably tell, I'm a bit more of an anomaly than the other select-GMs; I'm not as outspoken, I don't promote my own fitness products, and I don't check my team every minute of the day.

Is that an indirect way of saying, "I'm wise," Dick Burns?

Next question.

No no, please continue with your thoughts.

I would say that there isn't a lot of hate, just a lot of rivalry. Burgundy is ever so - how do I say it? - animated. Safari is equally, if not more, animated and adventurous. Sitch, well, he just sweats a lot. Would these attributes irritate a gentleman like myself? You could say that. But I remain respectful to my fellow select-GMs. If I hate them, you'll never hear me say it.

If you didn't win, who would you want to see at the top?

That's a tough one. See, I've been in talks with a few of them already, potentially working out a blockbuster trade, but nothing has materialized. I'll say this; I would be disappointed if I assisted in my own demise. A blockbuster trade is fun and all, but I want it to benefit me ultimately, not my opposition. If my opposing GM ended up taking the title from me based on the blockbuster trade I made, I would feel burned.

Care to tell the readers who these GMs may be?

Next question.

Well Dick, it's always a pleasure. You may pull your pants up now.

[Dick Burns pulls up his pants. The cashier reacts by crying and falls to her knees.] Hmmm... that looks promising.

Wise words, Dick.