WK5 - Quick Recap

Another week, another mountain of stats. The Fucking Randy was away this weekend on a conference in NYC; he was the prestigious guest speaker at BRA (Bodacious Reporters Association) and was therefore unable to provide stats for last week. The Fucking Randy attempted to employ the services of an MPAc to cover stat duties, but said MPAc was too busy shopping for Eddie Bauer cottons and wine-corked Birkenstocks.

As I am short on time, I'll simply provide the stats as of last night, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

And as for PPGP:

Burgundy, 3.47

Safari, 3.25

Sitch, 3.39

Dick Burns, 2.96

"Fuck this shit. Fuck. This. Shit."

I understand, Dick. Malkin's out; it is a major blow. Nonetheless, wise words, Dick.

Next Question with Africano Lionas Safari

The Fucking Randy is honored to bring you the third edition of Next Question.

Today's feature is select-GM Africano Lionas Safari, aka. African Lion Safari, Safari, or simply ALS. I was privileged to accompany Safari on one of his (you guessed it) safari runs this week. Though I thoroughly enjoyed the adventures with Sir Dick Burns at Fruit of the Looms Body Shop, I must say few things compare to running wild in the jungle on a safari expedition.

"What about my Goodlyfe?!" asked AznSitch. "Didn't you have fun with me there? Hazzz?!"

Next question.

[the following interview took place on 02/20/2013, deep in the midst of the Serengti Jungle]

Safari, thank you for bringing me here.

No problem man. This place is phenomenal.

I'll say. Your top destination?

Tops? Not sure, but it's pretty damn close. It's ten top*; fo sho.

Well said (?). So how is the Redemption treating you?

I love being in the Redemption, Randy.

That's MR. FUCKING RANDY, Safari.

Agreed. My apologies. Anyways, it's been pretty ill. I'm currently in second, within striking distance of first, and I think my team is finally about to wake up. My goalies have been so prime; they're the talk of the town, the pick of the litter, the most rugged pubic hair in the bush.

That may be a little too much information. But speaking of pubic hairs, where did you get your name?

That's quite the story. Well, long ago, I was co-captain of a highly-regarded Table Brew Athletic Gang (T-BAG) and the team had made it to the finals.

Sorry to stop you there - what do you do in this 'T-BAG'?

That's strictly confidential, part of a highly secretive brotherhood. I am sorry Fucking Randy, but that is all I can say.

Table Brew? Beer?

Next Question.

Athletic Gang? Table? Table Tennis?

(nervous) Next Question.

... by 'T-BAG', do you simply mean drunken Beer Pong?!

(furious) Next Question, Fucking Randy!

Alright, alright. So, you were in the 'T-BAG' finals.

Something like that, yes. Anyways, we were spiraling out of control. Our team was just sucking dick. We couldn't get it into the hole (that's what she said). The other team was destroying us. I, as co-captain, had to do something. I had to lead by example, power-shift my way up to super-status and bring my team to victory.

So you got it into the hole?

No, why would I do that? I decided that the only way to win was to distract the other team. So, when it was their turn to throw, I admirably stripped down to nakedness, flashed my pubic hair, and sang "African Lion Safari" to distract the other team.

That sounds like the stupidest strategy I've ever heard.

Fucking Randy, have you ever been part of an elite T-BAG? I don't think so. Therefore, you are in no position to judge, period. Anyway, it worked; the other team got distracted, couldn't get it in our hole from then on, and we dominated. I was hailed tournament hero, first-line All-Star, and a zoo was named after me.

So, really, your name stems from your pubes?

No, it stems from my brave co-captaincy.

No it doesn't.

FUCK YOU!

Let's leave this topic at that. So tell me: what are your thoughts on the other select-GMs? You've read the reports, you've heard the rumors. Some of them say you're a loose cannon, adventurous, animated...

Here's what I say to them: I made the Redemption. I'm the fucking reason why there's something to report. Who's idea was it to gather these select-GMs together in the first place and start this League years ago? It was me, all fucking me. I'm the fucking Safari; you cannot deny that I am colorful and dynamic. Zebras, lions, whatever you want, I made it all happen. So if that makes me the most adventurous, a loose cannon, well, then I'm proud to be those things.

I guess I should ask you what you think of your fellow select-GMs then.

Burgs - We go way back. I probably know him best out of all them. He's a solid rock. We think the same; therefore, we argue a lot. Out of love, of course. He's a student of the League, and he performs well. I just fucking hate that he's on top.

Sitch - Again, also go way back with  him. Didn't get along at first though; we were in different crowds back in our younger years, so it took a while to build the relationship. I think out of all the others, I'd want his team. I fucking hated him during the draft as he literally took all the players I wanted; he was one pick ahead of me. Good thing I got the goalies when I did; otherwise, I would have been fried.

Dick Burns - He's a character. Very interesting, and I could spend hours listening to him speak. In terms of the Redemption, I think his team is the most well-rounded. I know he's fallen down the rankings a bit, but if I were to start an actual NHL team tomorrow, his would be in consideration. AznSitch has the dream team I want, but Dick Burns has the realistic team I'd want. That being said, I hate him for his large phallus.

Do you realize you said you hated all three of them?

Huh. Guess you're right.

Bad blood?

Bad blood, good blood, who the fuck cares? It's blood. And blood (breathes in deeply) is all a Lion can smell.

Wise words, dick.

*ten top = a dyslexic person's way of saying top ten.

WK4 - the Sitch and the Burg

It was quite a week inside the Redemption; injuries, trade rumors, numerous media conferences, etc. Not surprisingly, the stats for this week also tell a compelling story. The most intriguing, perhaps, are the statistics that spawn from the sweaty Sitch and the bodacious Burgs.

"Bodacious?" asked Burgs. "It may be bo-acious. I presume the 'd' may be silent. I'm not sure, but I believe it is so. It may be some sort of fitness fad that is going around."

"You are a fucking retard," replied Sitch. "Hazzz!"

The blood is getting boiled between the two, I presume. Insiders are reporting that Burgs, on top of having a massive Crosbone, is getting quite anal, or aNeal, and has been pursuing James Neal from Sitch. However, nothing has materialized and at this point it looks like the trade is dead.

Before we get into the details, the Redemption Stats Machine has jizzed out the charts for your erectile pleasure:

Burgundy is, again, holding top spot (3 consecutive weeks). Sitch has moved out of the basement, trading places with Dick Burns. African Lion Safari is holding steady at no. 2. But other than the current positions, what are the numbers really showing?

When we get into the points-per-games-played (PPGP) statistic, the stats are quite revealing. Burgs and Sitch, two positions apart, are in a head-to-head race; Burg's is averaging 3.48 PPGP while sitch averages 3.47 PPGP. Assuming both teams have played the same number of games, they'd be sitting 1-2 in the rankings. What is even more interesting is that Sitch dominates the goals category (50), while Burgs has a stranglehold on assists (93).

"This is dumb,' said Burgs. "Who will ultimately win the Redemption? A select-GM who has the best PPGP, or the select-GM who accumulates the most points? You and I both know the answer. I think we know who is going to win this fucking Redemption."

Sitch did not provide a rebuttal, but instead squatted 400lbs.

Aside, here are some other notable statistics:

• Sitch added 41% to is total point accumulations this week, tops in the Redemption. Honorable mention goes to Burgundy, who added a respectable 26%.
• Tavares (Sitch) was a top point producer this week (5G, 2A); too bad Sitch benched him for the entire duration.
• Weber (Dick Burns) was his team's top player performer this week with 10.10 points; suffice to say, Dick Burns' team has hit a cold spell.
• Kovalchuk (Burgundy) continues to defy my preDICKtions, collecting 2G and 4A this week.
• Rinne (Safari) continues to dummy the goaltending category; he added another two wins and two shutouts this week.

Just another 2 SHO. No big deal.

"I am not pleased," said Dick Burns. "But remember this; it is always darkest just before the dawn."

Wise words, Dick.

BREAKING: Media Q&A with AznSitch

Is Neal on the way out of Team Sitch?

[Transcript from AznSitch's media address earlier this morning]

"Good morning, staff and media. I'm here to address -- "

Is it true you've been shopping James Neal?

-- Who dares interrupt me?

This is Perry Fire Media reporting, Sitch. So is it true?

First of all, I'd appreciate if the media would allow me to make an opening statement before barraging me with questions. Second of all, I fucking hate you, Perry Fire Media.

Is Neal being shopped or not?

No. (AznSitch rubs his neck, cracks his back for relief.) The trade rumors are untrue. I am not shopping Neal, nor will I be inclined to shop him unless a significant return is offered.

Sources have indicated that Burgundy had offered you Markov and Pominville.

I can neither confirm or deny that. I am not permitted to address phantom transactions; I can only address completed transactions.

You're boring.

(Sitch steps away from the podium, takes off his shirt and runs at Perry Fire Media. Other staff on hand stop, with difficulty, Sitch from assaulting the staff member from Perry Fire Media.)

You're crazy, bitch!

Don't call me bitch, unless you're referring to my workout regiment Bitch-It's-Sitch! (Sitch regains composure, steps back to the podium.) Anyway, Neal is not being shopped. I find it ridiculous to believe that so many rumors have spread so quickly after I mention, nonchalantly, that I am open to trading for a defenseman. This morning my team picked up defenseman Mike Green as a potential solution, so a trade may not even become necessary.

Anyways, I've called this media conference to address my Bitch-It's-Sitch! North American release. I will not be answering any more hockey-related questions. So, who's interested in hearing about Bitch-It's-Sitch?!

(Media staff members quickly file out of the conference room.)

Carbo-Loading

Last night, one of the most dynamic players drafted by the Redemption was injured on a nothing play; he will most likely miss the remainder of the regular season, possibly the playoffs (if his team can make it).

That player was Erik Karlsson.

"FUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKK!" screamed AznSitch at a press conference held early this morning after he was told by team doctors of the news.

"Finished. Gone. He's done for the season. Rice for everyone," sobbed Sitch as he regained his composure behind the microphone. "I'm out of here; I'll see you guys at Sushi-Coma if you want to join me."

"He's done for the season. Rice for everyone." - AznSitch, 02/14/2013

I'll pass on the sushi, Sitch. But, I do feel your pain. Drafted 11th overall in the Redemption draft, Karlsson was the highest defenseman drafted, and was Sitch's third overall pick. The injury is detrimental to Sitch's line-up, who had been relying on Karlsson for points in all areas.

"I could not give a shit," laughed a pompous Burgundy as he puffed on a mahogany-made pipe. "It was Sitch's fault for drafting said player. Sure, Karlsson's good, but did he not realize that he was playing too many minutes, becoming susceptible to injury? It was only a matter of time."

Harsh words indeed, but the weak are not cared for in the Redemption, and Team Sitch will have to mosey on without the League's premier offensive defenseman. What has Sitch got in the works?

"At this point, I have no idea," said Sitch. "I'm still confident in my D; Byfuglien is arguably the next best offensive defenseman out there, and Subban is a loose cannon who may be my savior. Nonetheless, I'm looking for options; I would explore a trade."

A trade?! Could this be the start of a ridiculous chain of events leading to a blockbuster transaction? Only time will tell. Regardless, it is shit luck for shit Sitch, and I presume he's more frustrated, both sexually and hockey-related, than usual this Valentine's Day.

"Hey Fucking Randy, didn't you preDICKt that Karlsson would not lead all defenseman in scoring this year?" asked Dick Burns.

Yes, I did. However, I did not say it was due to injury.

"I'll give it to you," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK3 - Ice Burg Dead Ahead

"'You've been poached?' Is that Spanish? You know I don't speak Spanish. I must have misunderstood you because Mr. Ron Burgundy could never be poached." - Burgundy, 02/10/2013

I was in fact speaking English, Burgs. And yes, you were poached. However, after the games played last night, I can report that you are once again at the top of the Redemption rankings.

"Jeah," said Burgundy.

"Poached? Ain't that got somethin' to do with eggs?"

Week three of the Redemption came to a close last night, and Burgundy was able to secure his number one rank for two consecutive weeks. Safari had taken (or poached, if you will) top spot earlier this week, but gave it back soon after. Dick Burns, week one's top select-GM, resides in the number three spot, while AznSitch is still gasping for breath at the bottom.

"I only gasp for the breath when I'm pushing my body to its limits," said Sitch. "And that would never happen in the Redemption. It only ever happens at my Goodlyfe Body Centres, where I show my loyal fanbase my fitness regiment, Bitch-It's-Sitch!"

I highly doubt that, Sitch. I'm sure you were gasping for breath while you were at RGH, coughing up rice and drowning in your own carbohydrates. Being at the bottom for three consecutive weeks has got to hurt.

Anyways, here are the charts, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

So who has been melting up the ice? Who's frozen in an ice capsule? Why, the Fucking Randy will tell you, bitches.

Melting Up the Ice

Crosby (Burgundy) - 1G, 6A this week. It's safe to presume that Burgundy's Crosbone is harder than the ice berg that sunk the Titanic.

"Don't act like your not impressed," said Burgundy, nonchalantly.

Rinne (Safari) - Thanks to a monster shut out ("Yes, I can!" yells Maguire) Rinne was this week's top performer in the Redemption, accumulating 26.75 points. Honorable mention goes to Vanek, who collected 4G, 3A despite Buffalo's continuing losses.

Brodeur (Dick Burns) - Quietly picked up by Team DB a few weeks ago, Brodeur has been consistent, posting three wins this week for 20.25 points. Not bad; looks like Team DB has found a potential solution to its goaltending woes.

Frozen in an Ice Capsule

Nash (Sitch) - This has got to be frustrating Sitch. Nash was supposed to be the answer to the NYRs lack of scoring, but it hasn't been the case. Nash mustered up 1A this week and hardly ever makes it to the highlight reels. Perry (Sitch, dropped by Burgundy this week) is also in a slump, though he is currently a benchwarmer on Sitch's team.

"I picked him up based on two things: (1) historical performance, and (2) contract year. He's better than the stats he's producing thus far, and he'll be gunning for a monster contract whether he stays with the Ducks or not," said Sitch.

Thornton (Safari) and Marleau (Dick Burns) - It looks as if the Shark's offense has dropped off. Both Thornton and Marleau were held off the scoresheets in this week's games after absolutely ripping up the league in the first two weeks.

Maybe it's the ebbs and flows ("Jeah!" said Burgundy), or maybe it's the fashion taste of Jumbo Joe (see photo). Regardless, it can't be comforting, especially for Dick Burns, who heavily relied on Marleau during the first few weeks of Redemption competition.

"I hate to say it, but Marleau needs Thornton, which means I am at the mercy of that fashion-less man," said Dick Burns. "The only thing worse than what he's currently wearing would be a Tap-Out shirt."

"Hey man, those are the fucking shit!" rebutted AznSitch.

"No, they're really not," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick. 

Analyzing the Redemption

Nerd Alert.

The Fucking Randy has taken the liberty of using his analytics machine and filtered out some surprising statistics. Here are some surprising statistics regarding the Redemption draft [stats are as of 02/08/2013].

• Vanek (Safari) leads all players in fantasy points (73.90) and was undrafted.
• St. Louis (Burgundy) is among the top 25 in terms of fantasy points, and was drafted 41st overall (out of a possible 56) in the Redemption.
• Drafted immediately after St. Louis was Marleau (Dick Burns), who is 5th in fantasy points (57.20).
• Karlsson (Sitch) is the top D-man with 46.90 points, and actually leads the league in shots (50).
• Kessel (Safari, 28th overall, since dropped) is second overall with 46 shots and one lone goal.
• Zetterberg (Safari) is in the top 10 in terms of fantasy points, and was drafted 49th by Burgundy, who subsequently dropped him for Datsyuk.
• Despite Washington's poor performance, Ribero has quietly amassed 4G and 9A, producing a respectable 46.50 fantasy points. He still remains a free agent in the Redemption and was undrafted.
• Burgundy has dropped both goalies he had drafted (Quick, Howard).
• As preDICKted, Safari's G-Unit is doing quite well; Rask (44.50 points) and Rinne (46.00 points) are among the top 5 best producing goalies.
• The winningest select-GM in terms of goalie wins % is Safari at 58.33% success. The Redemption average is 42.86%.
• Sitch's players are the most likely to score goals (averaging 0.3789 goals-per-games-played).

You've Been Poached

"Yo, Fucking Randy, why you always reporting on dick punches from Team DB? Why can't the Jungle get its turn in the light? I want the light!" - Safari, 01/31/2013

Well, slow me the fuck down. After last night's monstrous point accumulations, Safari has erected (with viagra) to the top of the Redemption rankings, poaching the number one spot. A monstrous night... a monstrous night... can you believe it?

"Yes, I can!"

Always an insightful contribution, Pierre.

Anyways, last night's point accumulations were quite generous to all select-GMs; Safari can thank Rinne for finally showing up with a shutout win over the Kings (17 points), as well as multi-goal nights from Vanek and Kane to push his total point accumulations over 50; Burgs got a three point night out of Crosbone; Sitch received a well-rounded night from his team with 4G, 2A and a win from Lundqvist; and Dick Burns didn't do so bad either with 2G, 4A and a win from Fleury.

That being said, the night belonged to Safari. Or, should I say, the "light" belonged to him?

"Everything the light touches, is ma' BITCH!"

"I'm ecstatic. I'm back on top, just the way you do it in the Jungle," said Safari at his media session last night. "There's nowhere to go but up from here."

"Hold the fuck up," said Burgundy. "I want to run my analytic fingers through the stats to see where the REAL winner is, based on points-per-games played."

The Fucking Randy has obliged to produce the stats:

Safari, 3.45

Burgundy, 3.42

Dick Burns, 3.27

AznSitch, 3.45

"Fuck off," said Burgundy.

You watch yourself Burgundy, or I'm going to molest all your mahogany belongings with the coarsest sandpaper known to man, ruining the polishing and deeming the furniture to be worthless.

"Not a great night to be honest," said a modest Dick Burns. "But, at least Weber finally got an assist."

Wise words, Dick.

Next Question with Dickery Burns

The Fucking Randy is honored to bring you the second edition of Next Question.

"If you think this is long..."

Today's feature is select-GM Dickery Burns, aka. Dick Burns, Team DB. I accompanied Sir Dick on one of his shopping errands earlier this week and took the opportunity to find out more about his character. Let's take a look at the findings, shall we?

[the following interview took place on 02/05/2013, Fruit of the Looms Body Shop]

Dick, it is a pleasure.

That's what she said.

Nice one, Dick. So how is the Redemption treating you?

You should have asked me that a few weeks ago when I was anal-thwarting the competition, Fucking Randy. Back then it was absolutely amazing; it was as if the Redemption was mine. Marleau, Gaborik, big D-men... they were all working for Team DB. I was throwing dick punches all around. Now it's a different story. But overall, the Redemption is going well.

What do you like about your team?

I like my team the way I like my racks; Cs and Ds. Malkin is holding up well at my C position, and my Ds are strong, hard, and ready to score. Weber has been a bit of a disappointment (0G, 0A), but I imagine he'll turn it around. If not, I may have to cut him loose; I cannot afford to have a soft D (that's what she said).

We would ALL love it if our racks were Cs and Ds. Now tell me, Dickery, where did you get your name?

Is it really that mysterious? I mean, the name is exactly as it sounds: DICK BURNS. I've got a dick, I've shaved the burns on it; hence, Dick Burns.

Can you prove it?

[Dick Burns proceeds to take off is pants, mid Fruit of the Looms Body Shop. A lady by a clothes rack looks over, faints, and hits her head on a pole. She is later diagnosed with a serious concussion.]

Damn, Dick Burns. Damn.

[Referring to his dick burns] One of a kind, Fucking Randy. One of a kind.

So how have the Newfie ladies been treating you?

They've been relatively good to my dick (and burns). But to be honest, they aren't bonafide Cs and Ds, so I can't say that I'm entirely satisfied. They say that opposites attract, right? Well, that's the problem with being awesome like myself.

Sounds like such a burden. Now, give me some Redemption gossip. Who you hatin'?

I wouldn't say that I hate anyone, per se. As you can probably tell, I'm a bit more of an anomaly than the other select-GMs; I'm not as outspoken, I don't promote my own fitness products, and I don't check my team every minute of the day.

Is that an indirect way of saying, "I'm wise," Dick Burns?

Next question.

No no, please continue with your thoughts.

I would say that there isn't a lot of hate, just a lot of rivalry. Burgundy is ever so - how do I say it? - animated. Safari is equally, if not more, animated and adventurous. Sitch, well, he just sweats a lot. Would these attributes irritate a gentleman like myself? You could say that. But I remain respectful to my fellow select-GMs. If I hate them, you'll never hear me say it.

If you didn't win, who would you want to see at the top?

That's a tough one. See, I've been in talks with a few of them already, potentially working out a blockbuster trade, but nothing has materialized. I'll say this; I would be disappointed if I assisted in my own demise. A blockbuster trade is fun and all, but I want it to benefit me ultimately, not my opposition. If my opposing GM ended up taking the title from me based on the blockbuster trade I made, I would feel burned.

Care to tell the readers who these GMs may be?

Next question.

Well Dick, it's always a pleasure. You may pull your pants up now.

[Dick Burns pulls up his pants. The cashier reacts by crying and falls to her knees.] Hmmm... that looks promising.

Wise words, Dick.

Next Question with AznSitch

The Fucking Randy is honored to bring you Next Question, a series piece which will give readers a taste of what each select-GM inside the Redemption is all about; we'll talk hockey, honies (coalitions of hot babes), haterz, and everything in between.

Photo Credit: TreeBone Images

Today's feature is select-GM Abdominal Phenomenal, aka. AznSitch. I sat down with him at his GoodLyfe shortly after his triumphant 220lbs crunch, crushing the previous ThunderZone record of 199lbs. He seemed to be in a better mood to chat after his body received a rush of endorphins. Well, here it is:

[the following interview took place on 01/28/2013, Goodlyfe Body Centre]

Sitch, thanks for being here.

No problem, bro. Always - Got - Time - For - The - 

Sitch, not to be a 'simple carb,' but could you answer my questions without doing dead lifts in between?

- What's that? Oh, sorry bro. (chuckles) You know, can't help myself. Gots'a give them honies what they want, you know, bro? HA? HA? HAZZZZ!

... Hazzzz?

Nah Fucking Randy. Tsssss all good in here, YA!

Right. So Sitch the readers want to know: where did you get the name?

It's pretty simple, dawg. I just gawt it. You know how some people gawt stuff? Well, that me. That me, plain and simple (no carb). I'm just a fitness phenomenon, a "medical marvel", if you will. I come from the East; I'm a fucking Beast. Quite the situation, no? HAZZZZ! I just said situation! Hence the name, AznSitch.

Fascinating stuff. So tell me, how do you like your team?

It's fucking prime, Fucking Randy. I love it.

You do realize you're in fourth, 'dawg'?

Yeah, but the Redemption ain't no damn BPC.

Sorry, BPC is...?

Bench Press Contest. I mean, I used to do some BPCs here and there, and I'm not going to lie; I crushed them Cs. I was so money like you would not believe. But here's da thing; it's over so fast. All BPCs are based on how much weight you can bench in one push; it ain't about longevity, endurance, consistency, and all that other important fitness training that should be in every regimen. I point this out very clearly in my body program, Bitch-It's-Sitch!, which is available online, or through Chapters ---

I have to stop you right there, Sitch. This isn't an outlet for personal product plugs.

Oh.

You were talking about how the Redemption ain't no BPC.

Right. Well see, I believe in being well rounded. I mean, look at my sculpture; I'm a medical marvel. I believe the same to be true for the Redemption. I don't measure the success of my team in the first two weeks of competition. I measure it when it's finished; when all has been sweated out. I may be in fourth, but I'm not far from the top, and with my point-per-game average, I think I'm fine.

I'd have to agree with your last point. So you're not worried?

No doubt, Ray-Ray. No doubt. Just a clear mind, with a head full of creatine.

Please, don't call me Ray-Ray.

Props.

What?

I... nothing, dawg. HAZZZZ!

Alright, alright. So what do you like best about your team?

The ffffform. I think all my guys have got great ffffform when they play; and hellz, Lundqvist is just a beaut. Ain't he just? I mean, I know he ain't pickin' up beast points right now, but he's just so damn handsome that I can't imagine ever letting him go.

Handsome Hank eh? Sitch, are you bisexual?

No, I'm all for the tacos. But there's nothing wrong with being bisexual. However, I will admit that I am biceptual. I am simply perpetually turned on by the biceps.

You don't say... Moving on. Which select-GM have you known the longest?

Oh man, I'd have to check my journal workouts to verify the dates to give you an exact answer, but I think it's Dick Burns. He and I go way back to grades school; I remember first meeting him in Design and Tech class; thought he was kinda odd, quirky, but clever. And he's very good at the question game, the game where you keep a conversation going by simply asking questions until someone can't ask a question anymore.

And he always won?

NO FUCKING WAY! AZNSITCH ALWAYS WINNNNZZZ!

Settle down. Put your shirt back on.

They do look good though, eh? (kisses biceps)

Sure. Whatever. Now, let's talk some trash. Who ya hatin'? And why?

Bro, I gotta admit, there's a lot of hate in the Redemption. Burg's and I go way back; love that man, but his Crosboner is fuckin' making me ill. He's sitting at the top right now too which makes things a bit harder to digest. And Safari, he's just a loose cannon; he ain't afraid to make deals, swing ideas, etc. Very hard to read that African Lion Safari; he can camouflage sometimes. Rumor has it he was tryin' to pry Malkin off from Team DB for D-man Campbell. That's hippo. Always tryin' to hunt a deal out in the midst of the jungle, he is. All in all, the two of them seem to be having fun at the moment; it's like their fantasy points are just raining from the sky.

I see your pain. Any last words then?

Well, just know this, Fucking Randy. The Thunder Comes After The Rain.

Wow. Thank you for your time, Sitch. And may I say, those were some wise words, dick.

WTF who you callin' a dick?! HAZZZZ!

WK2 - the Guns Are Out

Before I get into this week's statistical report, I'd like to inform the general public that AznSitch was admitted to Redemption General Friday night for flu-like symptoms. Doctors confirmed that AznSitch did in fact have the stomach flu, though the cause is unknown. Medical experts believe that he may have contracted the virus from bacteria that was in the rice he ate a few weeks ago. He was released this morning and is recovering well.

Okay, onto this week's statistical report!

Watch out for the guns; they'll get you.

Big Bad Burgundy is out on a mission; he's powered his way to the top of the rankings, leading the pack with 337.35 points. Dick Burns, last week's hero, has dropped down to third. Safari moved slightly up to second, while AznSitch holds fort in the basement.

"What can I say?" grinned Burgundy as he straightened his double-windsor tie. "I've got the Croz; therefore, my team is the finest. It is the cat's pajamas. It is the thickest mustache. It is the hottest Japanese porn."

While his fetishes may be in question, Burgundy is on the money with his reference to the Croz. In fact, Sid the Kid put on a show this week (1G, 4A), producing over 20 points alone. Other notable gainers for the week are Stamkos (33.60 points, Sitch), and Zetterberg (30.30 points, Safari).

Here are some visuals, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

Some other notable statistics:

• In terms of total points change, Safari is this week's winner; he was able to increase his point total by 87%.
• Though he ranks last, AznSitch has the overall best points-per-games-played statistic, amassing 3.55 points on average.
• Dick Burns continues to flip the bird at his goalies, as they have accumulated a total of -9.00 points for his team overall.
• Burgundy's chance at successfully completing his MPA has increased by 12%.

"My team slipped this week," said Dick Burns. "It's my fault; I was preoccupied with bumpin' Newfie."

Wise words, Dick.