The Last Post

Dear select-GMs,

This shall be the last post of the season. Sad, I know. But every tall drink of water must be finished at some point, and this blog is no different. However, keep in mind that once that tall drink is downed, it is refined, pissed out, and then through the great miracles of science and mother nature, it is recycled into fresh water once more, and can be consumed again. Translation: I will be back, blogger extraordinaire, when what will hopefully be a third Pulitzer Prize.

First, let's wrap up by looking back at my preDICKtions.

(1) Karlsson will not lead all D-men in scoring. Damn right! Though I must admit, I will never make this prediction again. This guy is too fucking good. If it were not for his injury, I think he would have had his second consecutive Norris.

(2) Parise will suffer a significant shoulder injury while playing in the West. Well, this was a bust. Parise played a full season and did admirably well, in my opinion.

(3) Kovalchuck will not score more than 16 goals this season. Commissioner Randy wins again. Kovalchuck scored 11 this season, and was less than a point-per-game player.

(4) Hartnell will rack up PIMs, and little else. In fact, he'll score less that Kovalchuck. Hartnell had 11 points and 70 PIMs through 32 games played. Was I right? I'll let you decide.

(5) Howard will get wins in Detroit, but nothing more. I'm going to say I effed this up a little bit. Howard was actually pretty decent, and Detroit scared the shit out of everyone down the stretch with their play.

(6) Dick burns will go through fifteen packs of boxers while in the East Cost. Two words: nailed it!

(7) AznSitch will crunch a record 220lbs of resistance. Two words: nailed it!

(8) Safari will disappear for a period of 27 days. I'm disappointed I missed this. It was actually Dick Burns that went MIA, not Safari.

(9) Burgundy will obtain a Masters of Penial Analytics (MPA) from his studies. This was a gimmie, but I'll fucking take it. Burgundy, you no longer have to be called an MPAc. You are just an MPA now. Congrats.

(10) LA will win a second consecutive Stanley Cup. I WISH this would have come true. When LA made it to the Western Conference Final, I felt their chances were good. But Chicago had to shit all over that party.

In total, I was 6/10. Kneel, bitches.

The next time you read my posts, it will be on another blog, in full swing for the new season. All select-GMs will be notified of the new web location. Take care, and good luck redeeming yourselves next season!

Cordially yours,

the Fucking Randy

Randy's Ten Top Moments

Herrro folks!

The season's finished, which means it's time for reflection; AznSitch is basking in the glory that comes with being crowned Champion, Safari is calmly accepting silver and preserving all experiences learned towards next season, Burgs is simply relieved that his Crosbone is alive and playoff-well, and Dick Burns is already planning his draft for next year. What is left to report, you ask?

"Ten-top moments?" asked Safari.

A fucking smart lion you are, Safari. Without further delay, here are Randy's Ten Top Moments for Randy's Redemption 2013:

Can you believe these moments?! "YES! I CAN!" said Pierre McGuire.

10. DICK BURNS TRADES MALKIN - If someone would have said that Malkin would have been traded at the beginning of the year, I would have said, "Thanks for the insight, Nick Kypreos." But Dick Burns pulled a game-changer and cut Malkin loose for a first round pick in next year's draft. Sneaky dee, Dick.

"I guess Kypreos knew something," said Dick.

Look at them eyes... Kypnotizing, yes?

9. TIGHT PPGP - Stats nerd alert: the PPGP was implemented about halfway through the season due to pressure from an unidentified MPAc. However, I must say that this stat proved crucial, as it paved the way for AznSitch's rise to Champion. Going forward, I'd recommend select-GMs to look a little closer at the stat; it may make or break your line-up when you choose (or choose not to) play certain players. Aside, PPGP between the top three spots was uber close, ranging from 3.24 (Burgs) to 3.49 (Sitch).

8. BITCH-IT'S-SITCH PRESS CONFERENCE - I can't believe a select-GM would call a conference purely for the promotion of a fitness program. Way to make a few enemies, Sitch.

"Yas betz watch urself. Sitch is getting bitchtastic angryz!" roared Sitch.

7. NEXT QUESTIONS - The NQs this year were probably my favourite feature piece; it exposed a lot within the Redemption; the mutual respect each select-GMs have for one another, the origins of team names, and history between the rivalries. I'll definitely look more into it for next year's season.

"They were alright," said Safari, "but I want to make it very clear that TBAG is a real thing."

6. INJURIES - No need to get into too many details here. See Karlsson, Crosby, Malkin, Sharp, Letang... the list was endless.

5. HOSPITAL BILL AWARD - I bring this up because I simply find it hilarious. The Hospital Bill Award (HBA) goes to Sitch, who racked up the largest hospital bill this year. He made more trips to Redemption General Hospital more times than any select-GM, mostly attributed to his carbo-loading.

"It's not carbo-loading!" screeched Sitch. "It's body-planning!"

There's somethin' in that eastern medicine...

4. TRADING (FIRST) PLACES - Funny to think of it, but three of the four select-GMs were able to hold top spot for at least one week during this year's Redemption. Though AznSitch was eventually crowned Champion, Burgs was able to hold first for a whopping eight weeks consecutive, and Dick Burns also held top spot for a while at the beginning of the season. Gritty Safari was able to achieve first place status during intra-week games, but never at week's end.

"Fuck off," said Safari.

3. CROSBY DUMMIES THE LEAGUE FOR 3/4 OF THE SEASON - Like I said in an earlier post, had Crosby stayed healthy this season, Team Burgs could have made a serious run for the Championship. However, the superstar suffered head injuries again this year (this time a broken jaw) which left him out of the line-up for the last quarter of the season. Despite the absence ("You said 'abs'! Hazzz!", yelled Sitch), Crosby still finished among leaders in fantasy points; can you say keeper?

"Yes," said Burgs.

Now all the kids wanna wear face shields.

2. OVECHKIN RETURNS - AO8 must have been driving Safari absolutely nuts at the beginning of the season; it looked as if Ovie had checked out and was wishing he had played in the KHL. However, patient Safari stuck with the Wash(ed Up)ington Capital star and it paid off; Ovechkin ended up leading the Redemption in fantasy points and took the scoring title.

"'Nuf said," said Safari.

1. REMEMBERING PAPA BURGS - This was a no brain-er for Mr. Fucking Randy. The loss of a charismatic, charming and intelligent Burgs Sr. was truly a shock to the Redemption world, and all select-GMs concur that the world will never be the same without said Papa. Nonetheless, with great loss comes great memory, and I, as well as all select-GMs, will remember Papa Burgundy always, from his quick wit humour to his perfected BBQ steaks.

Portrait of Papa Burgs. The resemblance is uncanny, no?

"I'm honoured," said Burgs. "My father was the greatest man I knew, and I'm lucky to have had (and still have) such a great support cast through this part of my life. You gentlemen are the best.

"Though I was not victorious this season, I'm happy with the result, and I dedicate this season to my father. Stay classy, Papa."

Such kind words, Burgs. Wise, too.

WK14 - Conclusion: "This Ain't No BPC!"

It's over! Can-You-Believe-It?!

"YES! I CAN!" said head-safety activist Pierre McGuire.

Randy's Redemption is finished. I'm not an emotional man, but this does bring phantom tears to my eyes. I only shed phantom tears when I know I am too good for the bitties I bone, or when the song I compose (or shall compose) will bring joy to children. But in this rare occasion, I will allow phantom tears for the closure of Randy's Redemption. It was an honor to be your Commissioner (Fucking Commissioner, I should say), and I loved every single minute of it. Without this League, I would be nothing but a large phallus with open thighs to clap.

"It's not a bad life," said Dick Burns.

True, but reporting (both statistical and otherwise) brings such joy to this Pulitzer Prize winner, to the point where he simply cannot be thankful enough.

In this euphoric state, I would like to formally congratulate Abdominal Phenomenal, aka. AznSitch for officially winning Randy's Redemption 2013. Sitch, though you are often misspoken and ungentlemanly with your spelling, I congratulate you; winning this select-GM fantasy league is no easy task.

"Tanks," said Sitch. "And congratulations to all select-GMs; hard fought competition. Protein shakes are on me!"

For the last time this season, the Redemption Stats Machine is pleased to bring you this weeks (as well as the season's) statistics:

I would also like to formally congratulate each and every select-GM for fantastic seasons:

Safari, you were able to take control of your own fate; you've shown that drafting last is just a position, not an excuse. I've never seen a race this close in my professional career. Congratulations.

"Depth is greater than anything," says Safari.

Burgundy, for a while you shat on every select-GM in the League, holding top spot for eight weeks consecutive - a league record. If not for a flaccid Crosbone late in the season, I feel you may have challenged for one of the top two positions. Congratulations.

"Trust your Crosbone," preaches Burgundy.

Dick Burns, you were simply a draft-genius who had his top picks flushed out by injuries. Bad luck, dumb luck, bullshit, etc. You held your own and provided ample entertainment (see Trades), and I look forward to your drafting in next year's draft.

"What doesn't kill you makes you larger," says DB.

By no means will this be the end of reporting, however. The Fucking Randy still has a few pieces to master and publish for your viewing pleasure, including a HardDicks/ShitBricks report which will take a look at the best and worst of this year's player performances. There will also be some last minute statistical reporting done (I cannot resist), as well as Randy's Ten Top Redemption Moments. And, depending on my flight schedules, I may be able to gather some final remarks from each and every select-GM. Stay tuned, select-GMs. Oh, and of course, we'll look at how my preDICKtions fared.

Cordially yours,

the Fucking Commissioner Randy

Jumping the Gun

The Redemption Stats Machine spat this out today - it's the projected total point accumulations for you select-GMs, based on historic performance.

This post is merely to show whether or not the RSM is boss.

"It's pretty boss, Fucking Randy," replied Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK13 - Last Minute of Play

There are fewer than ten days until the end of the NHL season. That's crazy, bitches.

"Seconded," concurred Burgundy.

The Redemption Stats Machine has been humming along all season, with no hiccups at all. A finely-oiled machine, it is. It must be, as it was erected by yours truly. Even with the Fucking Randy being notoriously good at programming brilliance, I'm amazed that it's run this smoothly without error.

"What does the Redemption Stats Machine look like?" asked Safari. "I hear you talking about it all the time but I don't really know what its physical appearance resembles."

A fine question, Safari. I will give you, as well as the rest of the privileged public, a glimpse of what the Redemption Stats Machine (RSM) looks like. Please note: this is only a small peak at the RSM. There is plenty more which is hidden from view, as its supreme architecture must be protected. Nonetheless, to give you an idea of how my statistical reporting is done, here is the RSM:

Courtesy of: the Redemption Stats Machine (duh!)

"That's fucking beautiful," said Burgundy, MPAc.

Indeed it is. Just wait until the season is over and the statistics will be complete. A full breakdown for each select-GM will be available upon request. It'll be like a transcript from university, except I will be offering it up for free (as opposed to those assholes in academia who charge students to look at what is rightfully theirs).

"What is it you have against academia, Fucking Randy?" asked Burgundy. "The study of higher education is not to be insulted; it has made me who I am today, and it will make tomorrow a better today. And today, a better tomorrow. And as we all know, today, is already tomorrow."

What? Burgs, that didn't make any sense to me.

"I always make sense. I'm the smartest man I know. And not only do I have the credentials, but I'm also taking an accelerated MPAc program, in which only the finest are admitted. I'm fucking amazing!"

Alright, Burgs. Alright. Anyways, let's see what the charts look like this week, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

"Do you see my curve upwards?" said Dick Burns. "That's a nice lookin' curve."

Indeed, an exponential curve upwards, it seems. But will it be enough?

"Eat shit, Safari!" yelled Sitch. "No lion's roar this week, bitch!"

"You are gonna fucking get it soon, Sitch," responded Safari, slamming his paw against a mahogany table ("Watch it!" screeched Burgs). "We are so damn close that anything could happen in the final week. I'm callin' it here: my precious Rask will make it ever so close. With Boston running high on emotion and having games being rescheduled on the back end of the season, I predict that the Bruin's are going to finish gracefully, bagel'ing the opposition in the process. Rask will be sure to cash in for me."

Bold prediction, Safari. I look forward to the results.

No change in PPGP; Sitch is still steady and leading the pack at 3.49PPGP, while Safari is a close second at 3.28PPGP. What is interesting to note is Dick Burns was this week's top performer (again!) amassing a whopping 135.00pts, a 12% increase in his total points. He's the only select-GM to have produced double digit percentage increases in the last three weeks. Compared to the other select-GMs, who had abysmal weeks, Dick Burns team is flying high.

"What can I say?" said Dick Burns. "Start strong, end strong. What lies in the middle is for shits and giggles. If you can't start right or finish sublimely, then there's no reason to exist, period."

Wise words, Dick. I'll see you gentlemen at the finish.

Late Surges

"Well, it helps now that I'm back to actually dressing the players that are playing each night. For about 5 weeks in the middle of the season I got busy and fell out of habit of setting my lines, which is when I had that big drop in points. Now that I'm actually putting players in the lineup that are actually playing it seems to help!..." - Dick Burns, 4/15/2013

Dick Burns likes to "keep it interesting" he says.

Oh, Team DB, what a season it could have been then, yes? The only thing I get out of this explanation is that you were too busy bumpin' Newfie. Nonetheless, it looks like Dick Burns is making a late season surge; he's been the highest performing select-GM for the last two weeks and counting, and may even crack the 3.00PPGP statistic before season's end.

Will it make a difference in the grand scheme of things? As of right now, Dick Burns still sits in fourth position, and is just under 400pts away from AznSitch. It'll be a all order if he's to overtake first in the rankings, but anything is possible, ain't it?

"That's exactly the way I see it," replied Dick Burns. "If you would have told me that I'd be trading Malkin at the beginning of the season I would have said you're a meat-head."

"Their is nothing wrong with meat-heads!" cried AznSitch.

"But a trade is a trade, and I'm pretty happy with the transactions I made. If it weren't for that trade, the Redemption wouldn't have been as interesting, no?" said Dick.

I'll agree. Wise words, Dick.

WK12 - Dicks Swingin' All Around

Two week's left until the Redemption comes to a close; a blessing in one hand for it is sure to be a great resolve, a shame in the other for all good things must come to an end. The Fucking Randy is not by any means announcing this will be his swan song; I take pride in my work and believe it to be my life's destiny to provide second-to-none journalism. But, all swans need their breaks once in a while, and after putting in a solid effort for this year's shortened season, I'll need all the rest I can get before buckling up for next year's reporting.

"What will next year's League be called?" asked Dick Burns.

That has yet to be determined, like many things going forward. Don't you worry Dick; the name will be splendid.

Anyways, another week has gone by. The big stops are coming up now; select-GMs are putting the pedal to the metal and hoping that the final push into season's end will pay off. Their phalli, as minuscule as they may be compared to yours truly, are swinging 'round the clock, hoping to knock over the competition, blinding them with spew wherever possible.

Nothin' but dick.

The Redemption Stats Machine is pleased to jack out the following statistics for you select-GMs:

"Yo Randy, why da fuck is Burgundy's squares on the chart bigga 'dan evry1 elss?" asked Sitch.

"You're a fucking square," replied Burgundy.

I have no fucking idea; it looked right inside the Redemption Stats Machine, but for some reason when it's converted into a JPEG Burg's squares are getting distorted. Oh, and by the way, that's MR. FUCKING RANDY, Sitch. Also, get some speech lessons or something; gents don't talk like that.

"Dope," said Sitch. "Looking at da chartz, looks like my consistency I spoke about during my NQ is provin' true (dat!)."

Again, you need speech lessons, Sitch. But I concur; the consistency is there ("This ain't no BPC!" yells Sitch). The Redemption is indeed not a Bench Press Contest; it is a strenuous, challenging, emotional roller coaster which should be paced out and planned effectively. Gotta give it to Sitch for slowly climbing the latter (three weeks at a time, no less) and waiting for his window to open.

Aside, there were no real changes in PPGP. Sitch is still tops (averaging 3.50 PPGP), being closely followed by Safari (3.32 PPGP). Burgundy is still in the mix at 3.19 PPGP and Dick Burns rounds out the bunch at 2.73 PPGP.

But who is this week's biggest winner? It is Team TB, who has essentially done what the Calgary Flames should have done five years ago. He's gutted a lot of his roster, replaced it with proven players, and has added 10% to his point totals this week. Sitch was able to add 9%, while Safari added 7% and Burgs added 6%.

"If we're speaking about consistency, then my MPAc spidey-senses are tinkling. According the that Bitch-Sitch, he's due for a change in the rankings since he appears to change positions every three weeks."

"I change positions every three minutes, to keep things interesting," said Dick Burns.

"I agree with Burgs," said Safari. "I believe that a change is afoot. There will be a new leader by the end of next week, and I'll be sure to alert you all with a lion's roar."

"No fucking way," said Sitch. "Now that I've primed myself to Redemption marvel, I'll be at da top fo LYFE!"

Noted, gentlemen. Any last words before we close out the week?

"Yes," said Dick Burns. "I've officially cracked open my 16th pair of boxers."

Wise words, Dick. (And I fucking called that!)

No Deal

Even with hockey insider Pierre LeBrun predicting something would happen, Camp Bodacious stayed put and didn't make any moves during the final hours leading up to the trade deadline.

"Based on my analytics, nothing was worth it," said Burgundy. "I am all for trades, but only if they are for gain. Did I mention that I'm an MPAc, which has boosted my rationalizing as well as decision making process?"

Yes, Burgundy, you have. Many, many times.

"Well, as long as it's known. You know, it's important that credentials be known to fellows like yourself, as well as the other select-GMs. It was my masterful analytics that allowed me to lead the Redemption a whopping eight weeks consecutive. That's gotta be a record of sorts, no?"

Well, it is the longest streak to date. I have to give Burgundy props for that. And, though he's been pushed off the pedestal, he's still definitely in the running for the championship.

"No fucking way," screeched a pubic Safari (yes, I used pubic as an adjective). "He (Burgs) is flaccid; no Crosbone, no championship. All you motherfuckers laughed at me when I took AO8 no. 5 overall in the draft; now look at him. He's a fucking stud, just as I planned. You gents are lucky that this is only a 48 game schedule; if it were a full season, Ovechkin would have had plenty more time to really carve out his form and score."

"She say, 'no sex until score.' I say, 'Ok I score.'"

Now now, Safari, nobody laughed at you. I believe someone quite intelligent and large (yes, phallus reference) said that Ovechkin may be the steal of the draft. Regardless, Ovechkin has responded to his critics and lifted his Capitals back into the playoff picture, making him a possible MVP. Hell, he may even be a keeper (though Safari still has Malkin to consider as well).

In other news, Dick Burn's has revamped his team, albeit a bit late in the season. His line-up now includes ridiculous wingers, the likes including Hall and Hossa. His point accumulations in the last two weeks are admirable, and he's officially joined the G-club (1,000pts). How does it feel, Dick?

"It's late, but it's good," said Dick Burns. "I pulled the trigger on some players, and it worked. It was just a bit too late, I'm afraid. I'll see you gentlemen next year when I cash in on my two first round picks."

Wise words, Dick.

WK11 - Bitch-It's-(still)-Sitch!

The last two weeks have been the most entertaining weeks in the Redemption to date. What more could you ask for? We had changes in Redemption standings ("Fuck this shit!" cried Burgundy), trades ("Boom!" slammed Safari), and boatloads of injuries ("Fuck this shit!" screamed Burgundy and Sitch in unison). An entertaining 14 days, to say the least.

WK11 has been put into the record books (can you believe it?) and I am here to report that Sitch has held onto top spot for two consecutive weeks ("Minuscule!" jeered Burgundy), though Safari is not far behind, and may have some good fortunes headed his way with the potential injuries looming on Team Sitch.

You've been: THUNDERstruck.

"I don't know what happened to Neal," reported Sitch in a media interview with ESPN. "He dropped off the score sheet when Malkin went out, and now he's possibly out with a concussion. Couple that with Lupul potentially being out, and we've got quite the situation here."

Indeed, it is quite the situation. But it is not isolated, whatsoever. In fact, most select-GMs have experienced significant injuries this season; Burgundy is currently without his precious Crosbone (out with a broken jaw) and Dick Burns went without Malkin (while he still had him) for a period of time due to a concussion. Sitch has also been without Karlsson for the majority of the season. However, injuries are just part of any hockey pool, and what goes around comes around. Select-GMs, make due with what you have, and don't be a bitch; no excuses, play like a champion.

For additional motivation, the video below should suffice:

Anyways, let's see the charts for this week, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

This week's big winner goes to Safari, who added 10% to his points total. His team's effort also brought him into second place in terms of PPGP, which he had not achieved since the second week of February. Burgundy, hurting from personnel losses in Crosbone and Letang, accumulated the least with 6%. Sitch was able to keep pace by adding 9%, and Dick also clocked in a respectable 9.5%.

Now, I know it's early, but I thought it'd be fun to evaluate the trades. Let's take a look at what has happened:

TRADE 1: 

Dick Burns acquires Round 1 pick.

Safari acquires Malkin and Round 7 pick .

Thus far, Malkin (and the Penguins in general) have been abysmal. Their winning streak is over and their forwards seem to have given up without Crosby in the line up. Malkin has picked up 0.20pts for Safari since being traded.

TRADE 2:

Dick Burns acquires Toews.

Sitch acquires Chara.

Chara has yet to provide any significant benefit to Sitch since the trade; he's mustered up 1.60pts since being traded and hasn't even registered a point yet. Likewise for Toews, who has booked 1.40pts.

Hmmm... that analysis wasn't as exciting as I thought it'd be. Oh well.

In other news, I, Commissioner Randy, conversed with Tree Bone last night over a platter of fine cheeses and Italian wine. She is excited about entering the big League next year, and would like a full breakdown of how the League shall be run so she can prepare to demolish you all. I advised her that the kinks are still being worked out; she said to "Man up and bone down the details."

"If she thinks she can boss us around when she isn't even in the League yet, she's barking up the wrong tree," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick. That being said, I advise you all think about what you would like (and what you would want changed) going forward.

League Matters Page

Dear select-GMs:

Due to the number of administrative League Matters posted in recent weeks, I've decided to make things a bit easier for you. How nice am I?

All League Matters will be posted on this blog (per usual) but I will also be posting summaries of the League Matters on the League Matters tab (which can be found at the top alongside the navigation bar with the select-GM bios). Therefore, if you ever miss a blog post regarding League Matters, you can always check the tab to see the Coles notes of the bulletins. Please check frequently as there may be important updates that require your attention. It is the responsibility of each and every select-GM to be up to date; I assume you can all read English.

I will do everything in my power to ensure that important matters are brought forward to each and every one of you, but some of you are difficult to contact; not to single anyone out, but particular select-GMs are often MIA due to bumpin' uglies with Newfies, carbo-loading, stuck at a pubic photo-shoot, or studying peni.

Huh... I guess I wasn't so discrete after all. Oh well, fuck it.

Anyways, please use the tab to your advantage. A general meeting will be scheduled once the season is over, so keep that in mind as we move forward.

Cordially yours,

the Fucking Commissioner Randy

Mums the Word at Camp Bodacious

It's been a news-filled day so far, with 75% of select-GMs partaking in trades. But, surprisingly, one of the most bodacious select-GMs has yet to pull any triggers. In fact, he's been quiet since reports speculated that he had been gunning for James Neal a few months back.

"I'm not a stupid man," said Burgundy. "I don't make trades for the sake of making trades. I'll make babies for the sake of making babies, but trades? That's something you have to think about. Think about with your noggin. Or as I like to say, think about with your 'oggin."

"Use your 'oggin and keep quiet."

The Fucking Randy will never understand where Burgundy gets his vocabulary, but I appreciate the entertainment it brings nonetheless.

That being said, insiders report that something must be a-brewing. TSNs Pierre LeBrun, close friend and uncomfortably admired by Burgundy, told TSN Radio that something must be going on behind closed mahogany doors.

What do you think, Pierre?

"It just seems unlikely that Burgundy would stand pat," said LeBrun. "I mean, let's not forget; this man is behind the team that was annihilating the Redemption only a few weeks ago. His team hasn't changed much - the same core is still in tact. Everyone is overreacting about Crosby's injury; Crosby will be back, and in the meantime, Burgundy still has capable Cs to cover (see Getzlaf).

"This is also the team that held sole position of the Redemption for eight weeks consecutive. No other select-GM has accomplished that. That's consistency you can't buy. I think Burgundy is playing poker-face presently; he'll have something before the deadline is over."

Dick Burns, the only labelled 'seller' at the trade deadline, could not be reached for comment.

"I don't have anything else to say on the matter, either," said Burgundy.

Really? Nothing at all?

"Well, maybe one thing: I fucking luuuuuuv Pierre LeBrun."

Wise words, dick.

BREAKING: Media Q&A with Safari

[Transcript from Safari's media address earlier this afternoon regarding the trade for Malkin]

"Boom!" roars Safari.

(Select-GM Safari enters media room, approaches microphone)

I'm happy to announce that Team Safari has acquired Malkin from Team DB just a few minutes ago. I'm very excited about this deal, and going forward, I think my team, and Dick Burns' team, benefit.

What were the exact details of the trade?

Team Safari acquired Malkin and a 7th round draft pick. Team DB acquired a 1st round draft pick.

Who initiated the trade?

I did. I wanted to get Malkin, plain and simple. With Sitch showing no signs of slowing down and Burgundy hurting from the loss of Crosby, I wanted to ensure that Malkin would be mine. I couldn't take the chance that Burgundy would approach Dick for Malkin. I want the title.

Will you be keeping Malkin as a Keeper then?

He's arguably the best player in the world. What do you think?

What about the draft going forward? Do you think you paid too much?

I highly doubt it. There is no way I would have been able to pick up a player of Malkin's calibre in round one of next year's draft. The way I see it, there are only 3 elites: Malkin, Crosby, and Stamkos. I now have one of them. Enough said.

Will you be making any more moves?

Anything's possible. I mean, I heard about the Chara trade about a half hour after the Malkin trade was done. I was surprised somewhat, but given the situations that each team was in, it makes sense in my head. A good orchestrated trade overall from both Sitch and Dick. I'll bulk up my team if needed, but I won't be doing anything stupid.

Are there any more questions?

Is your latest pubic magazine spring feature on schedule?

... Fuck yes.

BREAKING: AznSitch Adds Big D

About an hour after the first blockbuster trade of the day, Dick Burns followed up with another big trade (literally) by handing over Zdeno Chara to Sitch for Jonothan Toews.

"I need defensemen," said Sitch. "I'm way over in C games played, and I'm barely meeting the maximum requirement for D. Chara was a good fit, and I think both teams win on this one."

The Fucking Randy will agree, though on points purely, I give thumbs up to Dick Burns. In addition, I don't think that Sitch wanted Chara purely for his defensive capabilities. Me thinks he had an inkling for Chara's rugged body.

"Oh yeah, that's naaaaice," said Sitch.

There was a rumor going around that Dick Burns had originally been shopping Patrick Marleau to Sitch, but there was little to no interest on the deal.

"I tried, but looking at Sitch's roster, it was a bit of a long shot," admitted Dick. "I didn't think he would necessarily need him, but it got the ball rolling and we eventually settled on a player-for-player swap. There were other components of the trade, involving draft picks, but the general feeling I got was that Sitch wasn't interested in giving up draft picks."

So Dick Burns has now dealt with Sitch and Safari. Is a Burgundy trade on the horizon?

"If the MPAc wants something, he should ask," said Dick.

Wise words, Dick.

BREAKING: "BOOM!" says Safari

That's quite a dangle.

Safari has officially bulked up his run at top spot with the addition of Malkin!

Details of the trade:

Dick Burns trades Malkin and 7th round pick for Safari's 1st round pick.

I am at a loss for words. The trade is still pending League approval, but it appears that it will stand.

More to come?

"Fuck yes," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick. And thank you both for breaking the cherry on trades.

the Redemption: Future Considerations

"The future...?"

Dear select-GMs,

With the trade deadline approaching, I would like to officially announce a few league matters which relate to both this year and next. These announcements may or may not affect your trade decisions, so please read carefully.

1. EACH SELECT-GM MAY RESERVE ONE KEEPER FOR NEXT YEAR

After discussing this with each and every one of you, the League has unanimously decided to limit the number of keepers to one. This will allow for future-select-GM Tree Bone to have a wider selection when she selects her free keeper after the existing select-GMs have submitted their keepers.

2. DRAFT 2013

The next draft format has yet to be finalized, and is up for discussion. Before it was decided to expand the League, I had arbitrarily set the draft format as a snake draft (i.e. what was done this year), with the order being based on prior year's standings; i.e. 4th place would draft 1st overall, 3rd place would draft 2nd, and so forth. However, given that Tree Bone will be entering the League, the existing select-GMs will need to decide (a) what they would like as the draft format, and (2) what draft position Tree Bone will be slotted.

Why does this matter? Well, I figure that draft picks will be in the mix before the trade deadline, and the draft position of Tree Bone may affect the value of draft positions. Therefore, I apologize for not giving you gentlemen clear answers, but there has not been sufficient discussion on the topic so I wanted to make you aware.

Here are a few possible scenarios for the upcoming draft. Please note I have assumed the draft order based on today's team rankings.

Scenario I - Tree Bone receives 5th overall selection 

Rationale

As a new entrant select-GM, she will be slotted in after existing select-GMs. This will not penalize the positions of any existing select-GM. Though she gets the last pick in round one, it will be somewhat compensated as she will be the only select-GM to have two out of the top six picks in the draft (5th and 6th picks overall).

Mechanics

Burgundy, Dick Burns, Sitch and Safari submit keepers. Tree Bone then selects her keeper. Then Draft 2013 begins - the order will be:

1. Dick Burns
2. Burgundy
3. Safari
4. Sitch
5. Tree Bone
6. Tree Bone
7. Sitch
8. Safari
9. Burgundy
10. Dick Burns
    ... and so forth

Scenario II - Tree Bone receives 1st overall selection 

Rationale

As a new entrant select-GM, Tree Bone will be disadvantaged as four elite players will already be reserved by the existing select-GMs. Therefore, to compensate for this, she will receive the first overall selection in Draft 2013. However, this penalizes all existing select-GMs as it moves each of their drafting positions down by one. In particular, the select-GM who finished last from the previous year (in this case, Dick Burns) will lose his first overall pick.

Mechanics

Burgundy, Dick Burns, Sitch and Safari submit keepers. Tree Bone then selects her keeper. Then Draft 2013 begins - the order will be:

1. Tree Bone
2. Dick Burns
3. Burgundy
4. Safari
5. Sitch
6. Sitch
7. Safari
8. Burgundy
9. Dick Burns
10. Tree Bone
    ... and so forth.

***

As you can see, each scenario has pros and cons. These are not the only options available either, so if you have a better idea bring it forward. The Fucking Commissioner Randy wishes to please all minds, both ladies and dicks, so don't be shy.

Cordially yours,

the Fucking Commissioner Randy

WK10 - "Step Aside, Burgas!"

You hear that? It's the wind of change.

The bodacious Burgundy, or "Burgas" as Sitch has dubbed him, has finally been shaken off his thrown; Sir Ronald is no longer in Pleasure Town.

"You fuckin' wait and see," said Burgundy (Burgas). "Once my Crosbone begins working his magic again, I'll be back on top, throwing my feces at my degenerate select-GMs, laughing as they cry for me to share the spotlight. I was no. 1 for eight consecutive weeks; do you know how fucking amazing that was?"

"Sitch don't care; Sitch no. 1." said a neanderthal Sitch. "Hazzz!"

"Hazzz!" says Sitch.

Hazzz indeed, Sitch (whatever the fuck that means). After starting the Redemption in the basement, Sitch has gradually made his way up the latter, climbing over big fat Dick Burns, big T-Bag Safari, and big bodacious Burgs to sit alone atop the Redemption rankings. Here are the charts, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

As we can see, Burgs has taken a fall this week, and has actually slid into third position. Sitch was able to vault himself into first because of the timely pick-up of Joffrey Lupul, as well as P.K. Subban playing like he's Erik Karlsson. Not surprisingly, Sitch was this week's top point producer, and was able to add 14% onto his total points. Safari and Burgs both added 10%, while Dick Burns finished the week with adding 7%.

I'd like to take a moment to say that the current rankings match, to a tee, my initial preDICKtions. If this is where we end up by season's end, I'm sure to receive my third Pulitzer Prize.

So what do we have in store for the coming weeks? Well, if it's anything like what Pittsburgh has done lately, we should hope to see some fireworks. I know Dick Burns has been sniffing for a rebuild, and rumor has it he's looking for draft picks in the first three rounds.

"Anything is possible," said Dick Burns. "My team needs a clean-up. Looks like I got a clean-up in aisle-5."

Wise words, Dick.

WK9 - Tight Like Prom Night

Greeeeeetings again, select-GMs.

Another week has gone by, bringing the Redemption ever closer to the end. Over 50% of the season has been played; are you ready for the final push?

"Dick Burns is always ready to push," said Dick Burns.

A room full of ladies nod in unison. But, Sir Dick, the Fucking Randy must tell you: you are in grave danger. With all other select-GMs running on high octane rampage, it'll be a tall order for you to make a run. Nonetheless, the Fucking Randy loves surprises, and wishes you well on this final push. I can't wait to see you hit the 1,000 point club, or the G-Club, if you will.

"I'm part of a G-club already, but it's not of the Redemption type," said Dick. "It's more of an exclusive club for gents who 'hit the spot', per se. Sorry, but that's all I can say."

Why the fuck does every select-GM think that they are being discrete when talking to me? IT'S NOT FUCKING DISCRETE AT ALL! You boys are implying, but everyone else knows what you're saying. No need for opaque language here; the Fucking Randy wants transparency!

Speaking of being transparent, let's take a look at this week's statistics, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

Holy shit do you see how close this race is? Burgs, Sitch, and Safari; they're all converging on this chart, like a pack of meat trying to squeeze into gullies on prom night. The points separation is absolutely microscopic.

"Wait, wait wait," puffed Burgundy. "I'm still number one - for 8 weeks now - and that's all that matters."

Indeed, Burgundy is still holding top spot, driving Sitch and Safari mad. I'd like to add that Safari did manage to T-BAG his way back into second earlier this week, before being overtaken again by Sitch on Saturday night (thanks to a shutout by Halak).

"Sitch Work Hard! Sitch Play Hard!" boasted Sitch.

As for PPGP, Sitch still leads, but is only getting - on average - 0.07 PPGP more than Burgs. That could easily be wiped if Burgs has a monster night.

"Bones could do it for me," said Burgs. "By the way, Bones is the short form for Crosbones. PromptApp told me to shorten it.....?"

Thanks for the update, Burgs. Anyways, what happened this week, you might ask?

For starters, Sitch and Burg's teams were dreadful; the points weren't coming in at all. Safari, however, was this week's top bread earner; he was able to amass above average point accumulations, thanks to his pickup of Kadri. It was so plentiful that he actually boosted his total points by 10% this week, whereas Sitch and Burgs could only muster up 7% and 5%, respectively. Dick Burns' performance was respectful; he added 7% as well.

It's shaping up to be a fantastic finish, gentlemen. It may in fact go down to the wire, which is just what a Redemption is all about. I was expecting some fireworks earlier this month with trade season on the horizon, but with three select-GMs in the hunt for the top, I can't see much happening now. If Dick Burns would take a few moments to get onto his fantasy portal and stir up the trade talks we might see something, but otherwise I don't see any trades happening between Sitch, Burgs, and Safari. I doubt any of them would want to fuel the other into victory. The Fucking Randy predicts it'll be all waivers from here.

"You guys wanna talk trade? That's fine. But let me be clear; I'm not giving up anything without future considerations: aka, it'll cost you first-round picks. Bitches, you've been told," said Dick Burns.

Wise trade bait, Dick.

UPDATE: are you fucking kidding me? This is as close as it gets.

03/24/2013 8:54PM EST

WK8 - the Slowdown

Apologies for not publishing last week's statistics on time; the Fucking Randy had to make an unexpected trip to RGH Sunday afternoon, a time he usually reserves for statistical supremacy. I won't get into the details, but I will say this: chicks these days put more force into everything than they used to. Therefore, boys, if you ever get as lucky as the Fucking Randy (which you don't), make sure you know where the closest hospital is in reference to where you get laid, just in case your lady friend gets too frisky (if there is such a thing).

Anyways, here are the statistics, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

 

Burgundy still tops the charts, but Sitch is marking time wisely, and still holds a slight edge in PPGP. Somewhat surprisingly, both teams slowed this week; they both had sub-par performances. Though Pittsburgh is running like a well-oiled locomotive, the scoring for Crosbone, Neal, and Malkin have been mediocre at best. Stamkos, Sitch's pride and glory, was also held without points in back to back games for the first time this season.

Overall, not much to report. Remember, select-GMs, it only gets harder. Never easier.

"We need a blockbuster deal to energize this Redemption," said Dick Burns. "Who's ready to dance?"

Wise words, Dick.