Randy's Ten Top Moments

Herrro folks!

The season's finished, which means it's time for reflection; AznSitch is basking in the glory that comes with being crowned Champion, Safari is calmly accepting silver and preserving all experiences learned towards next season, Burgs is simply relieved that his Crosbone is alive and playoff-well, and Dick Burns is already planning his draft for next year. What is left to report, you ask?

"Ten-top moments?" asked Safari.

A fucking smart lion you are, Safari. Without further delay, here are Randy's Ten Top Moments for Randy's Redemption 2013:

Can you believe these moments?! "YES! I CAN!" said Pierre McGuire.

10. DICK BURNS TRADES MALKIN - If someone would have said that Malkin would have been traded at the beginning of the year, I would have said, "Thanks for the insight, Nick Kypreos." But Dick Burns pulled a game-changer and cut Malkin loose for a first round pick in next year's draft. Sneaky dee, Dick.

"I guess Kypreos knew something," said Dick.

Look at them eyes... Kypnotizing, yes?

9. TIGHT PPGP - Stats nerd alert: the PPGP was implemented about halfway through the season due to pressure from an unidentified MPAc. However, I must say that this stat proved crucial, as it paved the way for AznSitch's rise to Champion. Going forward, I'd recommend select-GMs to look a little closer at the stat; it may make or break your line-up when you choose (or choose not to) play certain players. Aside, PPGP between the top three spots was uber close, ranging from 3.24 (Burgs) to 3.49 (Sitch).

8. BITCH-IT'S-SITCH PRESS CONFERENCE - I can't believe a select-GM would call a conference purely for the promotion of a fitness program. Way to make a few enemies, Sitch.

"Yas betz watch urself. Sitch is getting bitchtastic angryz!" roared Sitch.

7. NEXT QUESTIONS - The NQs this year were probably my favourite feature piece; it exposed a lot within the Redemption; the mutual respect each select-GMs have for one another, the origins of team names, and history between the rivalries. I'll definitely look more into it for next year's season.

"They were alright," said Safari, "but I want to make it very clear that TBAG is a real thing."

6. INJURIES - No need to get into too many details here. See Karlsson, Crosby, Malkin, Sharp, Letang... the list was endless.

5. HOSPITAL BILL AWARD - I bring this up because I simply find it hilarious. The Hospital Bill Award (HBA) goes to Sitch, who racked up the largest hospital bill this year. He made more trips to Redemption General Hospital more times than any select-GM, mostly attributed to his carbo-loading.

"It's not carbo-loading!" screeched Sitch. "It's body-planning!"

There's somethin' in that eastern medicine...

4. TRADING (FIRST) PLACES - Funny to think of it, but three of the four select-GMs were able to hold top spot for at least one week during this year's Redemption. Though AznSitch was eventually crowned Champion, Burgs was able to hold first for a whopping eight weeks consecutive, and Dick Burns also held top spot for a while at the beginning of the season. Gritty Safari was able to achieve first place status during intra-week games, but never at week's end.

"Fuck off," said Safari.

3. CROSBY DUMMIES THE LEAGUE FOR 3/4 OF THE SEASON - Like I said in an earlier post, had Crosby stayed healthy this season, Team Burgs could have made a serious run for the Championship. However, the superstar suffered head injuries again this year (this time a broken jaw) which left him out of the line-up for the last quarter of the season. Despite the absence ("You said 'abs'! Hazzz!", yelled Sitch), Crosby still finished among leaders in fantasy points; can you say keeper?

"Yes," said Burgs.

Now all the kids wanna wear face shields.

2. OVECHKIN RETURNS - AO8 must have been driving Safari absolutely nuts at the beginning of the season; it looked as if Ovie had checked out and was wishing he had played in the KHL. However, patient Safari stuck with the Wash(ed Up)ington Capital star and it paid off; Ovechkin ended up leading the Redemption in fantasy points and took the scoring title.

"'Nuf said," said Safari.

1. REMEMBERING PAPA BURGS - This was a no brain-er for Mr. Fucking Randy. The loss of a charismatic, charming and intelligent Burgs Sr. was truly a shock to the Redemption world, and all select-GMs concur that the world will never be the same without said Papa. Nonetheless, with great loss comes great memory, and I, as well as all select-GMs, will remember Papa Burgundy always, from his quick wit humour to his perfected BBQ steaks.

Portrait of Papa Burgs. The resemblance is uncanny, no?

"I'm honoured," said Burgs. "My father was the greatest man I knew, and I'm lucky to have had (and still have) such a great support cast through this part of my life. You gentlemen are the best.

"Though I was not victorious this season, I'm happy with the result, and I dedicate this season to my father. Stay classy, Papa."

Such kind words, Burgs. Wise, too.