WK10 - "Step Aside, Burgas!"

You hear that? It's the wind of change.

The bodacious Burgundy, or "Burgas" as Sitch has dubbed him, has finally been shaken off his thrown; Sir Ronald is no longer in Pleasure Town.

"You fuckin' wait and see," said Burgundy (Burgas). "Once my Crosbone begins working his magic again, I'll be back on top, throwing my feces at my degenerate select-GMs, laughing as they cry for me to share the spotlight. I was no. 1 for eight consecutive weeks; do you know how fucking amazing that was?"

"Sitch don't care; Sitch no. 1." said a neanderthal Sitch. "Hazzz!"

"Hazzz!" says Sitch.

Hazzz indeed, Sitch (whatever the fuck that means). After starting the Redemption in the basement, Sitch has gradually made his way up the latter, climbing over big fat Dick Burns, big T-Bag Safari, and big bodacious Burgs to sit alone atop the Redemption rankings. Here are the charts, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

As we can see, Burgs has taken a fall this week, and has actually slid into third position. Sitch was able to vault himself into first because of the timely pick-up of Joffrey Lupul, as well as P.K. Subban playing like he's Erik Karlsson. Not surprisingly, Sitch was this week's top point producer, and was able to add 14% onto his total points. Safari and Burgs both added 10%, while Dick Burns finished the week with adding 7%.

I'd like to take a moment to say that the current rankings match, to a tee, my initial preDICKtions. If this is where we end up by season's end, I'm sure to receive my third Pulitzer Prize.

So what do we have in store for the coming weeks? Well, if it's anything like what Pittsburgh has done lately, we should hope to see some fireworks. I know Dick Burns has been sniffing for a rebuild, and rumor has it he's looking for draft picks in the first three rounds.

"Anything is possible," said Dick Burns. "My team needs a clean-up. Looks like I got a clean-up in aisle-5."

Wise words, Dick.

WK9 - Tight Like Prom Night

Greeeeeetings again, select-GMs.

Another week has gone by, bringing the Redemption ever closer to the end. Over 50% of the season has been played; are you ready for the final push?

"Dick Burns is always ready to push," said Dick Burns.

A room full of ladies nod in unison. But, Sir Dick, the Fucking Randy must tell you: you are in grave danger. With all other select-GMs running on high octane rampage, it'll be a tall order for you to make a run. Nonetheless, the Fucking Randy loves surprises, and wishes you well on this final push. I can't wait to see you hit the 1,000 point club, or the G-Club, if you will.

"I'm part of a G-club already, but it's not of the Redemption type," said Dick. "It's more of an exclusive club for gents who 'hit the spot', per se. Sorry, but that's all I can say."

Why the fuck does every select-GM think that they are being discrete when talking to me? IT'S NOT FUCKING DISCRETE AT ALL! You boys are implying, but everyone else knows what you're saying. No need for opaque language here; the Fucking Randy wants transparency!

Speaking of being transparent, let's take a look at this week's statistics, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

Holy shit do you see how close this race is? Burgs, Sitch, and Safari; they're all converging on this chart, like a pack of meat trying to squeeze into gullies on prom night. The points separation is absolutely microscopic.

"Wait, wait wait," puffed Burgundy. "I'm still number one - for 8 weeks now - and that's all that matters."

Indeed, Burgundy is still holding top spot, driving Sitch and Safari mad. I'd like to add that Safari did manage to T-BAG his way back into second earlier this week, before being overtaken again by Sitch on Saturday night (thanks to a shutout by Halak).

"Sitch Work Hard! Sitch Play Hard!" boasted Sitch.

As for PPGP, Sitch still leads, but is only getting - on average - 0.07 PPGP more than Burgs. That could easily be wiped if Burgs has a monster night.

"Bones could do it for me," said Burgs. "By the way, Bones is the short form for Crosbones. PromptApp told me to shorten it.....?"

Thanks for the update, Burgs. Anyways, what happened this week, you might ask?

For starters, Sitch and Burg's teams were dreadful; the points weren't coming in at all. Safari, however, was this week's top bread earner; he was able to amass above average point accumulations, thanks to his pickup of Kadri. It was so plentiful that he actually boosted his total points by 10% this week, whereas Sitch and Burgs could only muster up 7% and 5%, respectively. Dick Burns' performance was respectful; he added 7% as well.

It's shaping up to be a fantastic finish, gentlemen. It may in fact go down to the wire, which is just what a Redemption is all about. I was expecting some fireworks earlier this month with trade season on the horizon, but with three select-GMs in the hunt for the top, I can't see much happening now. If Dick Burns would take a few moments to get onto his fantasy portal and stir up the trade talks we might see something, but otherwise I don't see any trades happening between Sitch, Burgs, and Safari. I doubt any of them would want to fuel the other into victory. The Fucking Randy predicts it'll be all waivers from here.

"You guys wanna talk trade? That's fine. But let me be clear; I'm not giving up anything without future considerations: aka, it'll cost you first-round picks. Bitches, you've been told," said Dick Burns.

Wise trade bait, Dick.

UPDATE: are you fucking kidding me? This is as close as it gets.

03/24/2013 8:54PM EST

WK8 - the Slowdown

Apologies for not publishing last week's statistics on time; the Fucking Randy had to make an unexpected trip to RGH Sunday afternoon, a time he usually reserves for statistical supremacy. I won't get into the details, but I will say this: chicks these days put more force into everything than they used to. Therefore, boys, if you ever get as lucky as the Fucking Randy (which you don't), make sure you know where the closest hospital is in reference to where you get laid, just in case your lady friend gets too frisky (if there is such a thing).

Anyways, here are the statistics, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

 

Burgundy still tops the charts, but Sitch is marking time wisely, and still holds a slight edge in PPGP. Somewhat surprisingly, both teams slowed this week; they both had sub-par performances. Though Pittsburgh is running like a well-oiled locomotive, the scoring for Crosbone, Neal, and Malkin have been mediocre at best. Stamkos, Sitch's pride and glory, was also held without points in back to back games for the first time this season.

Overall, not much to report. Remember, select-GMs, it only gets harder. Never easier.

"We need a blockbuster deal to energize this Redemption," said Dick Burns. "Who's ready to dance?"

Wise words, Dick.

Select-GM Bios

With the season half over, I thought I'd reward you select-GMs with some additional PR, in the form of bios for each of you fuckers. Hopefully this additional media coverage will motivate your respective teams to power through and bring you to the top.

Bios of each select-GM can be found by clicking on the top bar with each name of each select-GM. Feel free to browse. Shit-disturbing is highly recommend.

Trade Deadline Pushed to Apr. 4

Dear Select-GMs,

Our host platform, Yahoo Fantasy, has updated the League settings. This has allowed the Fucking Randy to push back the trade deadline date.

Therefore, TRADE DEADLINE FOR THE REDEMPTION IS NOW APRIL 4, 2013. This has been done to coincide with the actual NHL trade deadline.

Trade wisely,

- the Fucking Commissioner Randy

Attention: Select-GMs

Order, Order!

[This post is directed specifically to select-GMs of the Redemption; however, the Fucking Randy has made it available to the public just in case there are readers out there who wish to give in their two cents]

Dear select-GMs,

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedules to read this memorandum. For your loyalty, I will speak with He Who Is Almighty & Powerful to have him enhance each of your phalli.

Please read this post carefully (more carefully than you would normally read my Reports) as they are in relation to the current state of the Redemption, as well as future considerations. Feel free to comment and leave your opinions; feedback is greatly appreciated. Please be tasteful, and be gentlemen. Specifically, please leave all rivalries on hold (I'm looking at you, Sitch and Burgs).

Without further delay, here are the important notices at hand which require your attention:

1. TRADE DEADLINE

The trade deadline for the Redemption is MARCH 21, 2013. This is the latest date available per Redemption settings; therefore, there will be no negotiating on this. This leaves you with nine days to make your trades.

2. KEEPERS

The concept of Keepers has surfaced. A Keeper is a player you wish to keep for next year, thus ensuring that you have that player going forward and will not lose him during the draft. I have thought this through, and I suggest that a maximum of two keepers be kept by each select-GM. There are no restrictions; your Keepers may be goalies, centres, Crosbones, whatever. If you feel that two is too many, too few, or sufficient, please provide feedback.

"Crosbones... Jeah!" said Burgundy.

3. TREE BONE INVITATION

As some of you may be aware, there has been speculation of expanding the League for the 2013-2014 NHL season. Potential-select-GM Tree Bone has been training herself in the depths of a junior league, hosted by CBC, and has expressed interest in joining. Should we wish to send her an invitation for next year, we must discuss and agree on expansion.

I know for a fact that Dick Burns has no idea of who Tree Bone is; not to worry, Dick, as you will figure it out soon enough.

4. DRAFT 2013

Building on points 2 and 3, the 2013 Draft will need to be revised. Assuming that each existing select-GM selects two Keepers, new entrant Tree Bone will enter the draft without two keepers. Collectively, the select-GMs need to discuss this issue. The Fucking Randy has a few ideas, but input from select-GMs is appreciated.

One proposal is to allow Tree Bone to select two Keepers of her own once each select-GM has informed the Fucking Randy which two Keepers they plan on holding. However, this may be seen as a disadvantage to Tree Bone as this will mean that 8 elite players (2 Keepers x 4 select-GMs) will be off the table before she even gets to pick. To manage this, the League could offer her the first pick overall in the 2013 draft. Therefore, the mechanics would look as follows:

• Burgs, Team DB, Sitch and Safari submit Keeper players.
• Afterwards, Tree Bone is shown list of remaining available players.
• Tree Bone selects two Keepers out of remaining available players.
• Draft 2013 starts, with Tree Bone receiving first overall pick.

Another option would be to allow only one free Keeper for each select-GM, making the pool of available players for Tree Bone more favorable. Feel free to share your thoughts as this is still in the preliminary stages and will likely be revised many, many times.

5. TEAM SIZE

Finally, some of you have asked whether team sizes will be the same for next year. Given that there is the potential to expand so that the League will have five select-GMs, drafting will be more difficult as there will be more competition. However, if enough select-GMs wish to have more players, I am not one to cock-block. As Commissioner, it is my job to ensure that the League is run fairly and to the best interest of all select-GMs; therefore, if you wish to have more players on your roster going forward, please do not hesitate to speak up.

Some select-GMs have voiced that they would like to have more centres as the NHL does have an abundance of centres. This is a viable option, among others.

That's it for now. If there are other items requiring your attention, you will be advised. On that note, buckle up for the second-half push. The season will be done before you know it. Ain't that right, William?

Mock Trial With J Reinhold!

...? Whatever.

Cordially yours,

the Fucking Commissioner Randy

WK7 - the Big B. Guarantee

From 03/08/2013:

Will we have a new leader by the end of the week?

"No," said Burgundy. "I guarantee (looks down at PromptApp)... IT!"

***

I fucking love competition, and I love bold guarantees even more. Now, that's not to say that you should Be Bold all the time - that just gets you into berry big trouble - but a bold guarantee can definitely add hairs to the chest (or lips, in this case). Therefore, the Fucking Randy must congratulate the Burgs for delivering on his promise.

Burgundy, in celebration after last night's performance.

Burgundy has once again topped the weekly standings. After temporarily losing the status on Saturday to Sitch, Burgundy power-punched his way (via ovaries) back to the top with a bodacious Saturday night, where he was the only select-GM to top more than 40pts. He has regained his lead and distanced himself about 20pts ahead of second-place Sitch.

Here are the charts, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

Due to popular demand, I've added another visual for you fuckers. Because of the increasing discussion r.e. games played, I've added a third chart depicting the cumulative PPGP statistic, by week. Burgundy, increasingly hungry for statistics, loves the PPGP statistic, as it takes into consideration the games played by each select-GM. He went on record last night saying that Safari has 'eight games on him' so Safari's total points statistic is somewhat ballz. I've compiled the PPGP by week for your viewing pleasure:

What does this tell us? Well, for one thing, that bitch Sitch (3.55 PPGP) and that bodacious Burgs (3.47 PPGP) are fucking close. If any select-GM wants to challenge for top spot, they better hope that their remaining roster players can each bank, on average, at least 3.40pts per night. Otherwise, the hill is simply too steep.

"I've got a bone to pick," said Sitch. "Burgs went on record saying that he 'purposely benched' his players to reduce the rate at which his games were being played. He said he 'lost huge amounts of points' due to this. You know what I say? I say fuck that; you make your choices, you stick by them. Don't be blaming the fact that your lead has been reduced because you purposely sacrificed points. I've been bench-managing this entire season, keeping my games in check. Did I miss out? Yes (see Tavares, who literally notched mutli-goal games while on the bench), but I did so because any responsible GM has to take on all angles. If Burgs is implying that the only reason the Redemption is close because of his own making, he's a fucking idiot."

"Bitch, you're pathetic. You should be called SSS (Sloppy Seconds Sitch), as all you do is pick up the Burgundy slops. See: Perry, Markov, Kovalchuk."

"CRUNCH YOU!" replied Sitch.

"I'm going to straight-up murder your ass!" cried Burgundy.

Wise words, dicks.

"We Cummin' for Yas"

Sitch and Safari gain ground; Burgs still holding No. 1

I received this text from the Ronald a few nights ago:

"... I expect the point race to get much closer, not due to performance shift, but I'm benching more so as to not max out players soon, being more selective to get most bang for buck (hopefully)." - Ron Burgundy, 03/06/2013

Looks like his hunch was on the money, albeit his reasoning was slightly off. Nonetheless, kudos to him for making the call.

Last night's efforts belonged to Sitch and Safari, who accumulated 48.55pts and 53.00pts, respectively, and thus closed in greatly on Burgundy. Burgundy still leads the standings overall, but the lead has been cut to fewer than 20.00pts.

"Honey, what's that coming up behind us?!"

"I called this already," said Burgundy. "But my mustache-rich lips are not trembling yet. I'm still leading this bitch-tastic Redemption; if it ended today I would be the winner."

"I'm cummin' for yas." 

"I'm cummin' for yas," replied Safari, in an official team statement issued earlier this morning.

"I'm cummin'."

"I'm cummin'," said AznSitch.

It goes without saying that this weekend's games appear to be the most important yet. With the season just over the halfway mark, the Redemption could be won by almost anyone. Will we have a new leader by the end of the week?

"No," said Burgundy. "I guarantee (looks down at PromptApp)... IT!"

Wise words, dick.

SIDENOTES:

PPGP as of 03/08/2013

- Burgundy, 3.44

- Sitch, 3.52

- Safari, 3.24

- Dick Burns, 2.76

Sitch accumulated 6.94pts/player last night. Safari accumulated 5.89pts/player last night.

Next Question with Ron Burgundy

The Fucking Randy is honored to bring you the fourth and final edition of Next Question.

Today's feature is select-GM Ronald Burgundy, aka. Ron Burgundy, Papa Burgundy II, or simply Burgs. Burgs invited me into his home earlier this week so we could talk about life; the ebbs, the flows, continuing education in the MPAc program, and yes, the Redemption. His home was warm and woody. And as God as my witness, I can confirm that his home does in fact smell of rich mahogany.

Inside House of Burgs.

[the following interview took place on 03/06/2013, peacefully in the House of Burgundy]

Ronald, good sir, it is a pleasure to see you.

Likewise, Fucking Randy. Would Fucking Randy like some Brandy?

Well, how nice of you to ask. Yes, I would love some.

Feel free to help yourself. (Points to shelf) There's a mighty fine bottle by the credenza over there. Or if you prefer some scotch - scotch, scotch, scotch - it is available at your disposal as well.

Brandy will suffice. Thank you.

So, (looks down at cellphone) you are here (looks down again) to ask me about the - 

... Yes?

(looks down once more) Redemption?

That's the purpose of this interview, yes. Why are you looking down at your phone so often?

Sorry, my bad habit. I have this app which gives me updates on what I should be saying. It's sort of a teleprompter, if you will, to keep track of my thoughts. You know, this and that. It helps me keep my mind steady, on level ground. It keeps me smart, you know, as all MPAc's should be. Jeah!

You have a teleprompter around you 24/7?

No no, you see it is not a teleprompter. It's an app. It's called (looks down again) PromptApp...?

Are you sure? Why do you seem unsure?

Oh sorry; sometimes PromptApp makes typos and adds '?' at the end of things I should say. I can never tell whether to phrase things as questions or not. It's a tricky prompter, it is.

I see. Well, let's get on with the interview. What are your thoughts on the Redemption thus far?

Let me put it this way: In the Redemption, I am the equivalent of Big Foot, with the exception that I do not smell like a Big Foot Dick. I am big, I am notorious, and everyone is out to catch me. But, they are fucking idiots because Big Foot can never be caught. I'm simply too fast, too good, too mysterious. Jeah!

You have indeed put up good numbers. Are you nervous at all about the competition?

At the beginning when Dick Burns was running away with it, I was a bit apprehensive. But since then it's been a good ride. Crosby is so heavenly brilliant; just looking at him makes me drool. He's so good that he's got to be fattening. Does anyone get me nervous? Maybe Sitch. But he's too much of a meat-fuck-head to overtake the Burgs.

That's bold, Burgundy.

I am (looks down)... bold?

Speaking of Sitch etc., how well do you know the other select-GMs?

Very well, Morpheus Randy. Very fucking well. As Safari said during his NQ, he and I go way back. We're both mad comedy junkies, we're night owls who prowl in darkness. We're like the fork and knife that cut a well-cooked steak from the Keg; we're good together.

I met Dick Burns a little later, mostly through our love for the theatre. We were in several stage productions together, and that's where I really gelled with him. You learn a lot of things when you meet people backstage; running around in the dark, changing clothes, making art...

Were these theatrical performances for 'adults only'?

No!

Okay okay. And Sitch?

I believe I met him through the theatre as well. He and I were in a musical where I played his boss. Suffice to say, I'm still his boss now.

I don't think he'd appreciate you talking like that.

I don't think he realizes how much authority I have over him in the standings. I stand by my comment.

I'll allow him to respond when he wishes. So Burgundy, life must be good at the moment. You've got sole possession of the Redemption, you're a successful Anchorman... what else is behind your mustachious exterior?

Well, I'm a family man at heart, you know. My Papa passed earlier this year, and it's really given me perspective on life. Everything is finite; that's what makes things so sad, yet so great. It meant a lot to have Safari fly overseas to attend Papa's reception. Moments like that really make you appreciate what you have. I'm big on building lasting connections. I'm big on being a supporter and being supported. I'm big on family.

Burgs, the family man.

You're also big on education.

Yes, I am. You're only as good as your last shift, as they say in sport. Well, it is my firm belief that you're only as good as your last letters, too. I am a successful BSc (Political Science), and I'm working towards my MPAc. I was also admitted to Law School previously and could have obtained a J.D., LL.M., etc. My limits are endless.

Sitch recently passed his accountancy examinations and will soon obtain his CA. What do you think about that?

I think he'll have a lot of fun doing my taxes when I'm one billion times richer than that mother fucker.

Wow. Guns a-blazing.

Damn straight Fucking Randy.

Well, I'll leave it there. Any last words, Burgs?

Not really. I just want to remind everyone about what I said earlier. You're only as good as your last shift. And, based on the Redemption thus far, I'm better than all you fuckers.

Wise words, dick.

Being Boss

Aside from providing the finest reporting for the Redemption, Mr. Fucking Randy also gives back to his community in the highest fashion. The importance of giving back cannot be undervalued, for one who does not acknowledge the need for information sharing and community support will ultimately find themselves in a barrel full of gasoline as it rolls down a hill into a pile of flaming elephant dung.

"My deuces are quite flaming," said Dick Burns.

Right you are, Dick Burns.

Anyway, on my trip to BRA, I was approached by thousands of aspiring reporters, most of which were untalented folk; they'd rival tramps who prowl the Monday noon hour catwalk. But one aspiring reporter approached me with a question which struck me; it was clean cut, to the point, and I got the gist immediately. He simply asked, "Fucking Randy, how did you become so Boss?"

The Boss.

See, I usually get pathetic questions such as, "How can I grow my blog? How did you get started with reporting? Do you have any internships available? Can I get you some coffee?" etc. The Q's are fucking stupid, with no need for A's. They're filler questions and they deserve to be shredded. Therefore, when this young lad asked me how to become a Boss, I was refreshed. This brings me to my point regarding giving back to the community; I will - in this post - list the most important practices in becoming Boss. It will be available to the community, at no charge. As I usually charge billions upon billions of dollars for disclosing this type of information, consider yourself the luckiest son of a bitch for obtaining said information at nil cost.

You should be aware that as I type these important practices, an entire Drum Corps. is in my office, serenading the publication of such prime information. Note that these practices are not ordered; they are all important and should be weighted equally.

[1] Write your craft down. Have you ever fucking read the lyrics to my Grammy-award-winning songs? They are not Shakespeare; they are ideas jotted down quickly and to the point. Most people get bogged up with the empty page as they attempt a new masterpiece and end up exercising the delete key more than the space bar. I'll have you know that I personally write each and every post by pen before having my blonde-babed transposition staff retype it for the site. Why? Because the pen on the pad of paper has no delete key. It only flows ink, which is permanent from the moment you touch the silver tip to white sheet (FYI if you are not penning with pure silver pens, you are missing out and a degenerate). Sure, you can cross out your penmanship,  but deleting is much more difficult than on a computer, and deleting ideas is a terrible idea. Even the worst-phrased lyric (or report, depending on what you pen) is better than an empty page. Grow some balls, and pen your shit!

Don't just think; write.

[2] Carry your voice with consistency. In other words, be a familiar voice. Do you think people go to McDonald's because they're really "Lovin' It"? Hell no. Human beings are boring; we love habit, and we love predictability. Life is unpredictable, and habits are broken; therefore, life for most human being's is a bitch because change is inevitable. So, if you want to take advantage of what human beings want, you might as well be Boss and carry a consistency that people will be familiar with and follow endlessly. When you think McDonald's, you think the color red and the golden arches. You think of burgers that taste the way you remember, and you know what you're going to get. The same can be applied to being Boss; build a voice, speak it consistently, and your followers will appreciate it. I've been known to carry conversations with my singing voice, from one-on-one conversations with my women to ordering poutine at ESD. Do I do it because I want to? No. I do it because I'm building my surroundings. I'm building my Boss.

[3] Never let someone else call the shots. Let me be clear here; I'm not saying you should be a Lochte and become an admirable douche. I'm saying that decisions should always, always, always be decided with your best interests. For example, have you ever partaken in a group conversation about what the plans are for a given evening? Have you wasted time passing each other comments like, "Yeah, I'm cool with whatever," or "You guys decide and let me know."? These types of comments will inevitably lead to wasted time, and in most cases, the night is lost with lame-ass decision making, usually ending in sub par night-life (aka. random adventures to Pinks Nightclub). You may not always know what you want, but you always have an idea. It's like my previous point in [1]; your worst idea is better than no idea at all. Bring something to the table, make a decision, call a shot. Rome was not built on the undecided; it was built because people wanted to take charge and build shit. They wanted to be Boss, so they called shots. Haven't you ever wondered why bars sell shots? It's not because people wanted to drink "a shot of whisky" or anything. It's because bars appreciate those who MADE the decision to drink. Hence, the term shot is in recognition of those who have the balls to call the shots.

Here's to those who call shots.

On top of that, your ability to call shots and make decisions will make you memorable in the sense that things happen when you're around. If you provide input and call shots, SOMETHING will happen. Will that something always be the best thing the world has ever seen? No. Only prestigious gentlemen (like yours truly) can be this consistent. But something will happen from your input, and that something COULD be extraordinary. It could also be a disaster, but fuck at least you tried. Failed attempt builds character; failure to attempt builds cowards. Never forget that.

"My god; wise words, Fucking Randy," said Dick Burns.

Why thank you, Dick Burns. I'll leave it at that for now. Three important practices is enough for the day.

"I personally would appreciate more," said Dick Burns. "But you made the decision to call it at three, so I have to respect your ability to call the shots."

Wise words, Dick.

WK6 - Stayin' Classy

Yikes... about a whole week without updating. This output is not worthy of a two-time Pulitzer Prize winner. I am ashamed to have executed such low productivity. I could blame it on my rigorous schedule, which included last week's prestigious visit to NYC for BRA, but I'm not one to blame productivity on things. I'm not one to make excuses for not doing shit.

"If you're referring to my opting out of updating the statistics for last week's reporting, I'm going to punch you in the V.J.," said Burgundy.

Joke's on you, Burgs. I've got no V.J. here; just a sturdy, pair of steel balls. The Fucking Randy may refer and accuse as he wishes; eat shit.

"Do you need a punch in the V.J.? C'mon, you want one."

Once again, here at Redemption Central, I've accumulated the statistics for this week. Here are the charts, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

PPGP:

Burgundy, 3.48

Safari, 3.22

Sitch, 3.38

Dick Burns, 2.88

Another week at the top for Burgs (5 weeks consecutive). Burg's can thank his Crosbone (26.8pts) and Staal (22.8pts) for this week's efforts, and also his tenders for posting perfect winning records (however, the best goaltender this week was Rask [Safari] with 31pts). Sitch, if he chooses to do so, should pay thanks to Stamkos for clocking a respectable week (20.5pts) and Perry (25.7pts). 

Where is Burgundy cashing in? The major variance lies with the assists; he is crushing the category, and does not appear to be slowing down in the slightest.

"Is it a surprise?" asked Burgs. "I'm an MPAc; I got A's all through schooling, so why not get more A's in this Redemption?"

Academia has no relation to the Redemption, my friend, but the Fucking Randy enjoys the comparison. Speaking of comparison, the intriguing story between Sitch and Burgs continues to develop; rumor has it Burg's has been trying to pawn off several players to get Neal, a deal which Sitch simply won't pull the trigger. It's possible that Sitch simply doesn't want to deal with his number one present nemesis, or that the deal isn't sweet enough. Or it could be that Sitch believes his team is capable of catching up and surpassing Team Burg's by season's end, which is not far-fetched considering their close similarities in PPGP. With a difference of 0.10 PPGP, a lot could happen in the back end of the season, barring injuries. It was reported that Sitch had his team evaluated by medical experts earlier this week to assess the plausibility of catching Team Burgs; the reports were confirmed with this photo, courtesy of Perry Fire Media:

"Ne mo wok," said team doctors. 

Safari still holds onto second, and is quietly picking up points, though at a smaller rate. But don't count this select-GM out; with supreme goaltending and Giroux on the verge of breaking out into mid-season condition, he could make a run in the coming weeks and potentially overtake first overall in the Redemption.

"I smell blood."

As for Dick Burns, the Fucking Randy is unhappy to report that he's been MIA. His team has cooled off since its first week blowout, and it appears that Sir Dick has turned off Fantasy tracker and instead turned his attention to phallussing fresh Newfie.

"So many Newfie's, so little time..."

 "Wouldn't you do the same?" asked Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.