A New Day

Take a seat, Dick Burns.

Less than 48 hours after Papa Burgundy's passing, Team Burgundy looks as if it's got its mojo running on NOS. Aided by recent free agent pickups by Burgundy (see Markov), his team has surged past Team DB for first overall, albeit he's only marginally ahead. (As I write this report, Burgundy's ahead by a mere 3.10 points)

"I'm going to make Papa so proud," said Burgundy. "I'm going to turn all you sluts into mahogany desks. I'm going to punch you sluts in the ovary."

The Fucking Randy can hardly wait for the increased competitiveness.

"Woah, wait a second," said Dick Burns. "I may not be an MPAc, but I've crunched some numbers as well and it appears that Team DB averages more points-per-games-played than Burgundy. In fact, Team DB still dominates with an average point accumulation of 3.84 points-per-games-played. No one else even comes close."

Well, the Fucking Randy looked into this, and here are the results:

Burgundy (3.67 pts/game)

Dick Burns (3.84 pts/game)

Safari (3.47 pts/game)

AznSitch (3.68 pts/game)

"You ain't seen nothin' yet," said Dick Burns.

"FUCK YOU!" said Burgundy.

"CRUNCH YOU!" said AznSitch, who was released from Redemption General last night.

"Seriously, what the fuck does CRUNCH mean?!" asked Safari.

Wise words, dicks.

You stay classy, Planet Earth.

I received some rather unfortunate news this evening; it snuck up on me like a crisp cool breeze on an unzipped coat.

I regret to inform the Redemption that we lost a dear friend and father on this peaceful, snowy Monday. Papa Burgundy, father and mentor to Mr. Ron Burgundy (aka. Burgs) has signed off on our dear Planet Earth. Obviously, he did so with class.

The news struck all select-GMs, as well as Morpheus Randy, right in the heart. We offer our condolences to Burgs, and wish him and his family all the best in this hard time. 

Safari, who is currently in flight to North America to visit Burgs et al, has announced that he will dedicate his latest pubic magazine feature to Papa Burgundy. Safari had been keeping this profession under wraps for quite some time, but has now come full force and is honored to dedicate his latest signature collection series to Papa Burgundy. It is slated to be released sometime this spring in Brazil's Epocha magazine.

Sitch, who received word of Papa Burgundy's passing from Burgs via text, dropped down to his knees and began warming up his abdomen upon hearing of the news. After a quick stretch, Sitch called a press conference at his co-owned GoodLyfe body center; he strapped on a resistance band to his core and crunched a whopping 220lbs in honor of Papa Burgundy. Not that I want to take credit for this, but I did make a preDICKtion on this earlier in the month.

Dick Burns, a man of wise words, had this to say:

"Life shall give, life shall take, but life shall never disappoint. And though we all miss Papa Burgundy, we shall not disappoint him; we will take life in stride, and give to life our all."

I, Morpheus Randy, am at a loss for words. I offer Burgs a song instead. 

Just as a good read has its last chapter, a good life must meet its last day. It's just the way things are. Once again, our thoughts and prayers are with Burg's and his family at this time; we wish them well.

"You stay classy, Papa Burgundy."

WK1 - Big Dickery

Welcome to Randy's Weekly Recap!

This is your source for all the weekly stats that have occurred inside the Redemption. See, Burg's so desperately wanted me to publish these on a nightly basis, but that is simply impossible; pumping these reports out on a weekly basis is tough enough.

"For the record, I just wanted to show that I was technically in second based on points-per-games-played, not third," said Burgundy last week, when his total point accumulations were 'skewed' due to his fewer games played. I argued with him for a while about the frequency of statistical reporting, but not surprisingly, his premature nature always made him to wish for stat reports to be published earlier as opposed to later. I gave in this one time; in future, stat reports will be compiled and published on a weekly basis.

Dick Burns takes a shit, for shits and giggles.

Anyway, with the completion of week one (period ending 1/27/2013), Dick Burns has taken the early lead, and is the first select-GM to crack the 200 point mark. He is actually shitting all over the competition presently, ranking first in total points AND points-per-games-played ("Fucking bullshit!" yells Burgundy). What is surprising is that he has accomplished this feat with no reliance on goaltending; to date, his goalies have accumulated -7.75 points.

Here are the numbers (courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine):

So, which players have been shitting over the competition, and which are just full of shit? The Fucking Randy has all your answers below.

Shitting Over the Competition

Marleau (Dick Burns) - Eight goals. Are you fucking shitting me? No wait; you're shitting ON me. Owned by Dick Burns who drafted him in round 11, Marleau is this weeks top performer, amassing over 45 points. Can't get much better than that.

Gaborik (Dick Burns) - A few multi-point nights later and Gaborik has returned to superstar status, and has added over 1 inch onto Dick Burns' phallus.

Karlsson (AznSitch) - Not necessarily this week's top point producer, but Karlsson has 3G and 2A a week into the season. He's outscoring more than 75% of the forwards out there; looks like my preDICKtion may be in jeopardy. 

Full of Shit

Ma bad, guys... ma bad.

I'm going to sum it all up with one word: goalies. The Redemption goaltenders have sucked balls and are simply full of shit. Lundqvist (AznSitch), Rinne (Safari), and Quick (Burgundy) have all amassed fewer than 10 points this week, and Fleury (Dick Burns) has fewer than 4 points. Not surprisingly, select-GMs have been dropping their Gs faster than Team DB drops a deuce.

"Who needs Gs when you've got a big fat D?" comments Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

At Burgundy's Request...

Readers, please take note.

I generally do not publish statistical reports frequently. It takes thorough analysis, with comprehensive number crunching and formal review before finalizing. However, Burgundy was so adamant on publishing statistics after last night's games that I've decided that it's probably worth doing some slight number crunching now as opposed to hearing him bitch at me all weekend. Weekends are for beds, breasts, and beyond (no Burgundy).

Why U  Cant do itz nowwwz?! - Burgundy (03:00 1/25/2013)

"What the fuck, Randy? I'm just trying to report shit like it is," whined Burgundy. "I'm trying to be objective here!"

Be that as it may, the Fucking Randy cannot possibly update every single statistic on a nightly basis; that is just ridiculous. That would be like measuring your dick to the milometer; nobody fucking cares! (Aside, it's just occurred to me that penial length is measured using imperial, not metric)

Anyways, here are team rankings, as of last night, using both total points and points-per-games-played, since not all select-GMs have played the same number of games.

So there. Dick Burns retains sole possession of first overall in both categories. Factoring rank by points-per-games-played, Burgs moves from 3rd to 2nd. Happy, Burgs?

"Yuppers," nods Burgundy.

"Um... I'm sorry. Who's still number one?" asks Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

BREAKING: Photo at RGH

Sitch, post carbo-load. (Courtesy: Perry Fire Media)

Get well, Sitch.

.. and the Dick Punches Continue

"You actually did a combine? Don't NHL scouting combines usually prove to be useless?..." - Dick Burns, January 18, 2013

The punches just continue for Sir Dick Burns.

Yes, the Fucking Randy predicted Dick Burns would finish last. And yes, he's defied gravity and shot to the top of the rankings again.

Though last night's goaltending efforts were less than admirable (Team DB racked up -5.25pts, courtesy of Marc-Andre Fleury and the Penguins losing 5-2 to... did I read that right?... The Leafs?!), Dick Burns power-punched his way back to the top of the Redemption rankings thanks to a hat-trick scored by Marian Gaborik, one of which was a GWG. That earned Team DB 13.80pts from Gaborik alone.

A caption really isn't necessary...

"Not a big deal," said Burgundy. "I, on the other hand, am kind of a big deal."

Ok, Burgs. Ok.

"Well, I am. And did you see that my Crosby earned a goal and an assist last night? He got 8.20pts from that," continued Burgundy.

The Fucking Randy did notice the multi-point accumulation by Crosby, but was distracted. You see, as a multiple Pulitzer Prize winner, the Fucking Randy has plentiful resources, which include a number of eyes and ears, constantly scouting NHL madness, as well as Redemption gossip. And I'm happy to inform dear readers that AznSitch is still at Redemption General; he suffered a significant setback to his carbo-recovery plan after learning of Crosby's multi-point night.

"...More... Stamkos..." coughed Sitch, as he tried to curl his biceps while being attended by a nurse, even though he had an IV stuck in his arm.

More Stamkos? More like comatose, as Sitch passed out soon after from exhaustion. He still sits 4th in the Rankings, but with fewest games played.

"Don't mess with Dick Burns," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

BREAKING: Team DB Punches Back

Dick Burns flips Safari's SUV after last night's games.

It didn't take long for Team Dick Burns (DB) to retaliate against the comments made by Safari just a few nights ago.

For those who did not catch last night's post, Safari replied "Winners win; losers send out good luck messages" in response to Dick Burns' earlier email that wished all select-GMs good luck during this year's Redemption season. Well, after Sunday's games, it looks as though Team DB got the last laugh this weekend.

"I let my big D do the talking," Dick Burns said.

Some may speculate that he was referring to the elephant in his pants, but the Fucking Randy is more inclined to think that he was referring to his big defense core; last night, his tandem of Edler and Boyle amassed 14.20 points combined. Big. Fucking. D.

That's not to say Team DB forwards didn't show up, either. Marleau recorded two goals last night, while Malkin, the no. 2 selection overall in this year's draft, finally cashed in big on the score sheet, recording 3 assists in Pittsburgh's win over the Coyotes. Team Burgundy also cashed in; Crosby recorded his first point of the season, racking up an assist.

"Jeah, Crosby, jeah!" purred Burgundy, with both hands beneath his trousers. "I'm calling Sitch immediately to tell him the news!"

Sitch, after learning of Crosby's assist.

Sitch, who has now been pushed down to the last spot in the Redemption rankings, could not be reached for comment (again). However, confirmed reports have noted that he was seen at a local all-you-can-eat-sushi venue shortly after Crosby recorded his assist and ordered a big tub of rice in an effort to carbo-load to prepare for his next body plan. Local eye witnesses said that Sitch looks like he's in the best condition of his life, though his eyes look supremely stressed.

Don't worry, Sitch; the season is only two games in. There will be plenty of opportunities to eat more nice rice. Why not ration your carbo-loads more evenly?

"Winners show manner; losers eat rice," said Dick Burns when he learned of Sitch's rice gorging.

Wise words, Dick.

UPDATE: Sitch has been admitted to Redemption General Hospital (RGH) for overeating. Medical staff on hand say that he is in stable condition, though his carbohydrate levels are off the charts. Safari, who was admitted late last night after his SUV was flipped by Dick Burns, was released from RGH with minor injuries.

Off to the Races

Safari takes early lead, AznSitch crunches 150lbs in excitement.

The shortened NHL 2013 season officially launched yesterday and all GM's blew their loads; it was like the sky rained industrial glue. Sticky dickies all around.

In an uncharacteristic twist, some select-GMs of Randy's Redemption showed manner and gentlemanly composure. Before puck was officially dropped, Dick Burns sent out a courtesy email to all GM's (as well as to the Fucking Commissioner himself!) wishing them all good luck this upcoming season. The kind remarks were also followed up by Burgundy, who also added personalized comments to each and every select-GM.

However, the atmosphere was not all gingerly.

AznSitch and Safari did not reciprocate, and had pretty harsh replies when questioned about the sitchuation.

"Winners win; losers send out good luck messages," responded Safari in between his pubic grooming session.

AznSitch could not be reached for comment, as he was "in between reps" according to one of his seven personal trainers.

Safari addresses the media after last night's pubic grooming.

You could call it scare tactics; you could call it playing the game; you could call it simply being an asshole. One thing the Fucking Randy knows for sure is that the behavior from these select-GM's has certainly made things more interesting inside the Redemption. I'm not saying who was right, but you cannot argue with the numbers; after last night's games, Safari and AznSitch both sit atop the rankings.

"Jeah, well, I still think they're toolies at the end of the day," Burgundy told the media while on his way to a mahogany convention.

True as that may be, Burgundy's remarks are likely more bitter due to the performance of his teen-crush Crosby, who was held pointless last night. The season is still young, but any time a first round selection fails to book points translates to a dick punch. Adding to the misery was Burgundy's goalie tandem of Howard (Det) and Quick (LA), who were shelled last night by their opponents and scored negative point accumulations. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Howard has since been let go by Team Burgundy, and Ryan Miller (Buf) is expected to take over tender duties.

In an unrelated unconfirmed source, it was reported that AznSitch crunched a whopping 150lbs at the gym when his entourage informed him that Crosby was held pointless.

"You know what I say to Safari's comments?" said Dick Burns, who currently sits 4th in the rankings. "Nothing. Because I don't respond to dick-less bitches."

It looks like the gentlemanly composure was short lived. Nonetheless, wise words, Dick.

the Redemption Rankings - Combine Results

As promised, I've compiled the Redemption Rankings, with the assistance of a particular Masters of Penial Analytics Candidate (MPAc). The blood, sweat, and tears have been shed, and the results are finally being published.

Below is a summary of the Fucking Randy's take on all four teams inside the Redemption. Note that these rankings are based on assumed player positions (some players had multiple positions - those sluts - and therefore the Fucking Randy slotted them into the assumed positions). If any GM has disputes over these rankings, I have this to say:

GFY.

"JEAH!" agrees Burgundy.

Courtesy: BBC (Burgundy Bro Collections)

"You actually did a combine?" asks Dick Burns. "Don't NHL scouting combines usually prove to be useless? I mean, the testing that they do hardly reflects what players can do on the ice. Who cares if players are ranked a 4, or a 1, or a 6..."

WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING AREA CODE, DICK BURNS? Let's just have some premature projections! So here they are - the winners from each category:

(Position, followed by team rank)

CENTRE

1. AznStich

2. Dick Burns, Burgundy

3. Safari

I give the nod to AznSitch on this one ("Fucking bullshit," says Burgundy). While Dick Burns and Burgundy come a close second, the line-up at C for AznSitch is deep, starting with Stamkos, Toews, and Tavares (the only talent left in NYI). In addition, AznSitch's centres are young and arguably still on the upswing (and free of concussion-like symptoms).

"FUCK YOU," says Burgundy.

"CRUNCH YOU," replies AznSitch.

I don't know what that means, and I don't care to comprehend further.

LEFT WING

1. Safari

2. AznSitch

3. Burgundy

4. Dick Burns

Left wing is one tough virgin to pop; scorers are scarce, and they disappear without notice. I give Safari the overall no. 1 on this one as he's got two proven left wingers in Parise and Ovechkin. I know, I know, I said that Parise would get injured during the season, but he still showed up for the combine, so I gotta give him credit.

"I fucking hate this combine," says Dick Burns.

Dick, you're walking on thin ice.

RIGHT WING

1. Burgundy

2. Safari

3. AznSitch

4. Dick Burns

On the right wing, I give the nod to Burgundy. With Perry playing for a new contract this year, he will undoubtedly show off his skills, possibly challenging for top goal scorer this season. And, with St. Louis mooching off of Stamkos for slut-tastic assists, Burg's has got the goals and assists covered. He also has Skinner (not a bad backup if you ask me).

DEFENSE

1. AznSitch, Dick Burns

2. Safari

3. Burgundy

Well, well, who would have thunk it? Big Dick Burns gets big D-men. I give it a tie to AznSitch and Dick Burns for this category, as both of their respective teams have monstrous (both in size, reputation, and points) defensive depth. AznSitch boasts Karlsson, Doughty, Subban and Byfuglien, while Dick Burns struts his erected line-up which includes Chara, Weber, and point getters Edler and Boyle.

That being said, Safari's D could pull off the upset, especially if Florida (Campbell) and Phoenix (Yandle) pull off admirable seasons.

GOALIES

1. Safari

2. AznSitch

3. Dick Burns, Burgundy

Safari gets the nod for the goaltenders: he's sure to cash in with Rask, who will assume no. 1 duties with Boston. Aside from Boston being a powerhouse, Rask is quite the capable tender, and I don't think Safari will have any trouble picking up points from him. Safari also picked up Rinne in the draft, who some may say will see a higher GAA with the absense of Suter. However, head coach Barry Trotz runs such a tight ship, so tight that I doubt Nashville will struggle.

Burgundy and Dick Burns get the short end of the dick on this one, as the Fucking Randy predicts that the glory days for Phoenix and Detroit are in jeopardy.

OVERALL

1. AznSitch, Safari

3. Burgundy

4. Dick Burns

After reconciling all the positions and rankings, AznSitch and Safari tie for first overall, followed by Burgundy, then by Dick Burns. Will this be the tail of the season? Only time will tell.

"I don't like this," says Dick Burns. "Why wasn't penial length included?"

"I can do that! I can do that!" replied a particular MPAc.

I will oblige. For shits and giggles, I've compiled the penial lengths of each select-GM. They are as follows:

PENIAL LENGTH

1. Dick Burns

2. Burgundy

3. Safari

4. AznSitch

"Can we measure abs instead?" asks AznSitch.

"No," answers Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

the Redemption Rankings

Can you feel the tension in the air? I can feel it in my trousers. I know all select-GMs can feel it too. (Though their trousers don't pack as much as mine)

With the season less than 72 hours away, the Fucking Randy has some final words to say before puck drop. As I've already provided my preDICKtions earlier, I'll provide another service; the pre-season Redemption Rankings for each select-GM.

I've studied each and every roster and will provide my two cents. Who's got the best D (both defense and dick)? Who has built a wall in front of their net? Which forwards will reign supreme? All will be revealed faster than the Fucking Randy gets ladies on Saturdays.

That is, unbelievable speed. Stay tuned...

"My dick is so hard with antcipation," telegraphs Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

Cold, Hard preDICKtions

The sky is blue, and the air is crisp. There's a pervertian smirk on all faces of the select-GMs. They think they can win Randy's Redemption 2013. I laugh at their thoughts; my Kirman Persian rug is stained from the spilt brandy I was holding while my sides split. But I do not care; being a two-time Pulitzer Prize winner has provided generous amounts of coin into the House of Randy, and replacing a Persian rug is pennies for this rich fuck.

Now, I shall be the voice of reason for these select-GMs. The odds are against you. And, I will not wish you good luck, for I do not believe in it. But, I do believe in nature over nurture, and I do believe in prophecy.

I'll show you Mayans a think or two...

I am not predicting who will win Randy's Redemption. That would be too easy; I've already got a 25% chance for success. Instead, I will defy all odds, and provide monstrous preDICKtions, sure to give ample entertainment, as well as punch each GM in the dick as most of these prophecies are sure to occur, and they will hurt their respective teams.

the preDICKtions

Me tho thorry Thitch!

(1) KARLSSON will not lead all D-men in scoring - Sorry Sitch. I know you wasted a high pick for getting Eric, and I may have done the same thing if I were in your shoes, but #65 is sure to be covered heavily by all opponents this season, and the likelihood that he will be able to mirror numbers from last season are unlikely. He'll still be above average, but nothing more.

(2) PARISE will suffer a significant shoulder injury while playing in the West - This is sure to piss off Safari (sorry, it feels weird to call him Manneater). With all the hype, the money, and the girls-gone-Minnesota-Wild, Parise will be too busy inking poon to hit mesh; the West will destroy his body.

(3) KOVALCHUK will not score more than 16 goals this season - Ok, he had a great campaign last season (37 G), but that was with Parise & Co. This time around he won't be so fortunate. Burgundy, you can put away the Kovy Kalendar.

(4) HARTNELL will rack up PIMs, and little else. In fact, he'll score less than Kovalchuk - Dickery is going to go ape-shit over this one, but I'm sticking to my guns. Philly has the muscle, but the changing winds inform the Fucking Randy that Hartnell won't have the hustle.

(5) HOWARD will get wins in Detroit, but nothing more - No Lidstrom, no support. Detroit will still win, but their GAA will skyrocket, and Howard's slightly-above average skill set will finally show. Luongo, on the other hand, will finish with better stats and fantasy points than Howard, as soon as he finds a home.

"GFY," telegraphs Burgundy.

... and now for glory preDICKtions ("the money beats"):

Hello there, Dickery.

(6) DICK BURNS will go through fifteen packs of boxers while in the East Cost - Newfie chicks will give Dickery some much needed piston-pumping, which he will surely appreciate after the undisclosed upper body injury he suffered about a year ago. Other than being absolutely pissed about his cookies being stolen by bitch-tastic roommates, he'll constantly rip on the quality of his crappy Fruit of the Loom boxers.

(7) AZNSITCH will crunch a record 220lbs of resistance - This may be impressive (even for someone with an abdomen like his) but it will be less admirable when he admits the feat was accomplished by frustration. He'll be so pissed on a nightly basis when Crosby outscores his precious Stamkos that he'll turn off hockey and spend his lonely nights crunching his abs. His training will therefore be unparalleled.

(8) SAFARI will disappear for a period of 27 days - He will report back to Randy's Redemption stating that he 'had no internet', but in reality his disappearance will be attributed back to his side-project of modelling pubic hairs for a Brazilian male magazine. I guess he's not the only one gunning for a Pulitzer Prize - all the best, Safari.

(9) BURGUNDY will obtain a Masters of Penial Analytics (MPA) from his studies - After years of fantasizing about holding the all-mighty Crosboner, Burgundy will take it upon himself to finally pair his prime bone obsession with academia and obtain an MPA. And, being a fan of Excel myself, I can see Burgundy erecting some excellent peni valuations within the program. Some would call this utterly despicable; I call it using what God gave you.

"If God gave me one thing, it was the gift of time," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick. (assuming by "time" you meant "never being on time")

UPDATE: One more prediction - (10) LA will win a second consecutive Stanley Cup. That is all.

the Draft - Crosby Goes #1

Burgundy gets Sid, Dick Burns gets last laugh.

The GMs of Randy's Redemption had the draft tonight, commencing at 7pm EST. Though all four select-GMs were in different locations and time zones, the draft did not disappoint; words were said, dicks were swung, and at the end of it all, players were drafted.

Burgundy, who had the first overall pick, did not disappoint his Crosboner by selecting Sidney Crosby with the first overall selection.

"It was a no brainer," said Burgundy, who rarely receives brain.

You could say the pick was somewhat off the chart, given that the general consensus no. 1 pick, per Yahoo, was given to Steven Stamkos.

"That's fucking bullshit," replied Burgundy in a press conference held shortly after draft ended around 8pm EST. "Draft rankings mean shit all; look at past flops. You got Daigle, Yashin... the list is endless. Crosby should have been the consensus no. 1 pick; he's just got the hockey genes."

Genes, you say, Burgundy? Or jeans?

"You know what's fucking bullshit? Burgundy getting no. 1," said Safari, who this year has donned the moniker Leslie Manneater. "This was rigged for sure; I'm pissed."

Pissed as he may be, the allegation will not be investigated, as I, the Fucking Randy, am the Commissioner of the League, and I am well aware that the draft positions were randomly selected. Nonetheless, the remarks from Safari were entertaining, and provided excellent entertainment during and post draft.

Dick Burns, with the no. 2 selection, did not disappoint; he selected Evgeni Malkin, a double-edged sword who plays both C and RW.

"I like him," said Dick Burns. I, for one, could not agree more.

With the no. 3 selection, AznSitch approached the podium and selected Steven Stamkos, the high scoring machine on what would be an otherwise despicable Tampa Bay team.

"Somewhat surprised to get him at no. 3, but I expected Burg's to take Crosby at no. 1," said AznSitch. "He's just got such a boner for Sid; I swear, every time we're out at Pink's for GMs night, Burg's can't stop talking about him. The rest of us are throwing bills at the talent while Burg's flips through the Sid calendar."

Finishing off round 1 was Safari, who used his pick to select breakout player Claude Giroux, who looks as though he may top 100 points in a regular season.

"I got a C, LW, and RW in my first two picks," said Safari. "Who else can pull that off?"

True, he did, as Claude is also a double-edged sword who can #HAM it at C and RW. And, he selected Alex Ovechkin with the 5th overall pick (round 2), who may just be the steal of the draft IF he returns to the prolific scorer he was back in 2007-2008, where he amassed 65 goals.

All in all, a fascinating draft, which included a pre-draft practical joke in which Dick Burns psyched out the rest of the GMs by requesting a one hour delay for shits and giggles.

"I did it to throw them off," said Dick Burns. "And, it worked."

Wise words, Dick.

Welcome to Randy's Redemption

Welcome to Randy's Redemption, your source for the latest opinions and updates from Mr. Fucking Randy. On behalf of the league, Randy's Redemption 2013, I thank thee for browsing onto the site.

Here you will find the latest posts from yours truly.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy