The Last Post

Dear select-GMs,

This shall be the last post of the season. Sad, I know. But every tall drink of water must be finished at some point, and this blog is no different. However, keep in mind that once that tall drink is downed, it is refined, pissed out, and then through the great miracles of science and mother nature, it is recycled into fresh water once more, and can be consumed again. Translation: I will be back, blogger extraordinaire, when what will hopefully be a third Pulitzer Prize.

First, let's wrap up by looking back at my preDICKtions.

(1) Karlsson will not lead all D-men in scoring. Damn right! Though I must admit, I will never make this prediction again. This guy is too fucking good. If it were not for his injury, I think he would have had his second consecutive Norris.

(2) Parise will suffer a significant shoulder injury while playing in the West. Well, this was a bust. Parise played a full season and did admirably well, in my opinion.

(3) Kovalchuck will not score more than 16 goals this season. Commissioner Randy wins again. Kovalchuck scored 11 this season, and was less than a point-per-game player.

(4) Hartnell will rack up PIMs, and little else. In fact, he'll score less that Kovalchuck. Hartnell had 11 points and 70 PIMs through 32 games played. Was I right? I'll let you decide.

(5) Howard will get wins in Detroit, but nothing more. I'm going to say I effed this up a little bit. Howard was actually pretty decent, and Detroit scared the shit out of everyone down the stretch with their play.

(6) Dick burns will go through fifteen packs of boxers while in the East Cost. Two words: nailed it!

(7) AznSitch will crunch a record 220lbs of resistance. Two words: nailed it!

(8) Safari will disappear for a period of 27 days. I'm disappointed I missed this. It was actually Dick Burns that went MIA, not Safari.

(9) Burgundy will obtain a Masters of Penial Analytics (MPA) from his studies. This was a gimmie, but I'll fucking take it. Burgundy, you no longer have to be called an MPAc. You are just an MPA now. Congrats.

(10) LA will win a second consecutive Stanley Cup. I WISH this would have come true. When LA made it to the Western Conference Final, I felt their chances were good. But Chicago had to shit all over that party.

In total, I was 6/10. Kneel, bitches.

The next time you read my posts, it will be on another blog, in full swing for the new season. All select-GMs will be notified of the new web location. Take care, and good luck redeeming yourselves next season!

Cordially yours,

the Fucking Randy

Randy's Ten Top Moments

Herrro folks!

The season's finished, which means it's time for reflection; AznSitch is basking in the glory that comes with being crowned Champion, Safari is calmly accepting silver and preserving all experiences learned towards next season, Burgs is simply relieved that his Crosbone is alive and playoff-well, and Dick Burns is already planning his draft for next year. What is left to report, you ask?

"Ten-top moments?" asked Safari.

A fucking smart lion you are, Safari. Without further delay, here are Randy's Ten Top Moments for Randy's Redemption 2013:

Can you believe these moments?! "YES! I CAN!" said Pierre McGuire.

10. DICK BURNS TRADES MALKIN - If someone would have said that Malkin would have been traded at the beginning of the year, I would have said, "Thanks for the insight, Nick Kypreos." But Dick Burns pulled a game-changer and cut Malkin loose for a first round pick in next year's draft. Sneaky dee, Dick.

"I guess Kypreos knew something," said Dick.

Look at them eyes... Kypnotizing, yes?

9. TIGHT PPGP - Stats nerd alert: the PPGP was implemented about halfway through the season due to pressure from an unidentified MPAc. However, I must say that this stat proved crucial, as it paved the way for AznSitch's rise to Champion. Going forward, I'd recommend select-GMs to look a little closer at the stat; it may make or break your line-up when you choose (or choose not to) play certain players. Aside, PPGP between the top three spots was uber close, ranging from 3.24 (Burgs) to 3.49 (Sitch).

8. BITCH-IT'S-SITCH PRESS CONFERENCE - I can't believe a select-GM would call a conference purely for the promotion of a fitness program. Way to make a few enemies, Sitch.

"Yas betz watch urself. Sitch is getting bitchtastic angryz!" roared Sitch.

7. NEXT QUESTIONS - The NQs this year were probably my favourite feature piece; it exposed a lot within the Redemption; the mutual respect each select-GMs have for one another, the origins of team names, and history between the rivalries. I'll definitely look more into it for next year's season.

"They were alright," said Safari, "but I want to make it very clear that TBAG is a real thing."

6. INJURIES - No need to get into too many details here. See Karlsson, Crosby, Malkin, Sharp, Letang... the list was endless.

5. HOSPITAL BILL AWARD - I bring this up because I simply find it hilarious. The Hospital Bill Award (HBA) goes to Sitch, who racked up the largest hospital bill this year. He made more trips to Redemption General Hospital more times than any select-GM, mostly attributed to his carbo-loading.

"It's not carbo-loading!" screeched Sitch. "It's body-planning!"

There's somethin' in that eastern medicine...

4. TRADING (FIRST) PLACES - Funny to think of it, but three of the four select-GMs were able to hold top spot for at least one week during this year's Redemption. Though AznSitch was eventually crowned Champion, Burgs was able to hold first for a whopping eight weeks consecutive, and Dick Burns also held top spot for a while at the beginning of the season. Gritty Safari was able to achieve first place status during intra-week games, but never at week's end.

"Fuck off," said Safari.

3. CROSBY DUMMIES THE LEAGUE FOR 3/4 OF THE SEASON - Like I said in an earlier post, had Crosby stayed healthy this season, Team Burgs could have made a serious run for the Championship. However, the superstar suffered head injuries again this year (this time a broken jaw) which left him out of the line-up for the last quarter of the season. Despite the absence ("You said 'abs'! Hazzz!", yelled Sitch), Crosby still finished among leaders in fantasy points; can you say keeper?

"Yes," said Burgs.

Now all the kids wanna wear face shields.

2. OVECHKIN RETURNS - AO8 must have been driving Safari absolutely nuts at the beginning of the season; it looked as if Ovie had checked out and was wishing he had played in the KHL. However, patient Safari stuck with the Wash(ed Up)ington Capital star and it paid off; Ovechkin ended up leading the Redemption in fantasy points and took the scoring title.

"'Nuf said," said Safari.

1. REMEMBERING PAPA BURGS - This was a no brain-er for Mr. Fucking Randy. The loss of a charismatic, charming and intelligent Burgs Sr. was truly a shock to the Redemption world, and all select-GMs concur that the world will never be the same without said Papa. Nonetheless, with great loss comes great memory, and I, as well as all select-GMs, will remember Papa Burgundy always, from his quick wit humour to his perfected BBQ steaks.

Portrait of Papa Burgs. The resemblance is uncanny, no?

"I'm honoured," said Burgs. "My father was the greatest man I knew, and I'm lucky to have had (and still have) such a great support cast through this part of my life. You gentlemen are the best.

"Though I was not victorious this season, I'm happy with the result, and I dedicate this season to my father. Stay classy, Papa."

Such kind words, Burgs. Wise, too.

WK14 - Conclusion: "This Ain't No BPC!"

It's over! Can-You-Believe-It?!

"YES! I CAN!" said head-safety activist Pierre McGuire.

Randy's Redemption is finished. I'm not an emotional man, but this does bring phantom tears to my eyes. I only shed phantom tears when I know I am too good for the bitties I bone, or when the song I compose (or shall compose) will bring joy to children. But in this rare occasion, I will allow phantom tears for the closure of Randy's Redemption. It was an honor to be your Commissioner (Fucking Commissioner, I should say), and I loved every single minute of it. Without this League, I would be nothing but a large phallus with open thighs to clap.

"It's not a bad life," said Dick Burns.

True, but reporting (both statistical and otherwise) brings such joy to this Pulitzer Prize winner, to the point where he simply cannot be thankful enough.

In this euphoric state, I would like to formally congratulate Abdominal Phenomenal, aka. AznSitch for officially winning Randy's Redemption 2013. Sitch, though you are often misspoken and ungentlemanly with your spelling, I congratulate you; winning this select-GM fantasy league is no easy task.

"Tanks," said Sitch. "And congratulations to all select-GMs; hard fought competition. Protein shakes are on me!"

For the last time this season, the Redemption Stats Machine is pleased to bring you this weeks (as well as the season's) statistics:

I would also like to formally congratulate each and every select-GM for fantastic seasons:

Safari, you were able to take control of your own fate; you've shown that drafting last is just a position, not an excuse. I've never seen a race this close in my professional career. Congratulations.

"Depth is greater than anything," says Safari.

Burgundy, for a while you shat on every select-GM in the League, holding top spot for eight weeks consecutive - a league record. If not for a flaccid Crosbone late in the season, I feel you may have challenged for one of the top two positions. Congratulations.

"Trust your Crosbone," preaches Burgundy.

Dick Burns, you were simply a draft-genius who had his top picks flushed out by injuries. Bad luck, dumb luck, bullshit, etc. You held your own and provided ample entertainment (see Trades), and I look forward to your drafting in next year's draft.

"What doesn't kill you makes you larger," says DB.

By no means will this be the end of reporting, however. The Fucking Randy still has a few pieces to master and publish for your viewing pleasure, including a HardDicks/ShitBricks report which will take a look at the best and worst of this year's player performances. There will also be some last minute statistical reporting done (I cannot resist), as well as Randy's Ten Top Redemption Moments. And, depending on my flight schedules, I may be able to gather some final remarks from each and every select-GM. Stay tuned, select-GMs. Oh, and of course, we'll look at how my preDICKtions fared.

Cordially yours,

the Fucking Commissioner Randy

Jumping the Gun

The Redemption Stats Machine spat this out today - it's the projected total point accumulations for you select-GMs, based on historic performance.

This post is merely to show whether or not the RSM is boss.

"It's pretty boss, Fucking Randy," replied Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK13 - Last Minute of Play

There are fewer than ten days until the end of the NHL season. That's crazy, bitches.

"Seconded," concurred Burgundy.

The Redemption Stats Machine has been humming along all season, with no hiccups at all. A finely-oiled machine, it is. It must be, as it was erected by yours truly. Even with the Fucking Randy being notoriously good at programming brilliance, I'm amazed that it's run this smoothly without error.

"What does the Redemption Stats Machine look like?" asked Safari. "I hear you talking about it all the time but I don't really know what its physical appearance resembles."

A fine question, Safari. I will give you, as well as the rest of the privileged public, a glimpse of what the Redemption Stats Machine (RSM) looks like. Please note: this is only a small peak at the RSM. There is plenty more which is hidden from view, as its supreme architecture must be protected. Nonetheless, to give you an idea of how my statistical reporting is done, here is the RSM:

Courtesy of: the Redemption Stats Machine (duh!)

"That's fucking beautiful," said Burgundy, MPAc.

Indeed it is. Just wait until the season is over and the statistics will be complete. A full breakdown for each select-GM will be available upon request. It'll be like a transcript from university, except I will be offering it up for free (as opposed to those assholes in academia who charge students to look at what is rightfully theirs).

"What is it you have against academia, Fucking Randy?" asked Burgundy. "The study of higher education is not to be insulted; it has made me who I am today, and it will make tomorrow a better today. And today, a better tomorrow. And as we all know, today, is already tomorrow."

What? Burgs, that didn't make any sense to me.

"I always make sense. I'm the smartest man I know. And not only do I have the credentials, but I'm also taking an accelerated MPAc program, in which only the finest are admitted. I'm fucking amazing!"

Alright, Burgs. Alright. Anyways, let's see what the charts look like this week, courtesy of the Redemption Stats Machine:

"Do you see my curve upwards?" said Dick Burns. "That's a nice lookin' curve."

Indeed, an exponential curve upwards, it seems. But will it be enough?

"Eat shit, Safari!" yelled Sitch. "No lion's roar this week, bitch!"

"You are gonna fucking get it soon, Sitch," responded Safari, slamming his paw against a mahogany table ("Watch it!" screeched Burgs). "We are so damn close that anything could happen in the final week. I'm callin' it here: my precious Rask will make it ever so close. With Boston running high on emotion and having games being rescheduled on the back end of the season, I predict that the Bruin's are going to finish gracefully, bagel'ing the opposition in the process. Rask will be sure to cash in for me."

Bold prediction, Safari. I look forward to the results.

No change in PPGP; Sitch is still steady and leading the pack at 3.49PPGP, while Safari is a close second at 3.28PPGP. What is interesting to note is Dick Burns was this week's top performer (again!) amassing a whopping 135.00pts, a 12% increase in his total points. He's the only select-GM to have produced double digit percentage increases in the last three weeks. Compared to the other select-GMs, who had abysmal weeks, Dick Burns team is flying high.

"What can I say?" said Dick Burns. "Start strong, end strong. What lies in the middle is for shits and giggles. If you can't start right or finish sublimely, then there's no reason to exist, period."

Wise words, Dick. I'll see you gentlemen at the finish.

Late Surges

"Well, it helps now that I'm back to actually dressing the players that are playing each night. For about 5 weeks in the middle of the season I got busy and fell out of habit of setting my lines, which is when I had that big drop in points. Now that I'm actually putting players in the lineup that are actually playing it seems to help!..." - Dick Burns, 4/15/2013

Dick Burns likes to "keep it interesting" he says.

Oh, Team DB, what a season it could have been then, yes? The only thing I get out of this explanation is that you were too busy bumpin' Newfie. Nonetheless, it looks like Dick Burns is making a late season surge; he's been the highest performing select-GM for the last two weeks and counting, and may even crack the 3.00PPGP statistic before season's end.

Will it make a difference in the grand scheme of things? As of right now, Dick Burns still sits in fourth position, and is just under 400pts away from AznSitch. It'll be a all order if he's to overtake first in the rankings, but anything is possible, ain't it?

"That's exactly the way I see it," replied Dick Burns. "If you would have told me that I'd be trading Malkin at the beginning of the season I would have said you're a meat-head."

"Their is nothing wrong with meat-heads!" cried AznSitch.

"But a trade is a trade, and I'm pretty happy with the transactions I made. If it weren't for that trade, the Redemption wouldn't have been as interesting, no?" said Dick.

I'll agree. Wise words, Dick.

WK12 - Dicks Swingin' All Around

Two week's left until the Redemption comes to a close; a blessing in one hand for it is sure to be a great resolve, a shame in the other for all good things must come to an end. The Fucking Randy is not by any means announcing this will be his swan song; I take pride in my work and believe it to be my life's destiny to provide second-to-none journalism. But, all swans need their breaks once in a while, and after putting in a solid effort for this year's shortened season, I'll need all the rest I can get before buckling up for next year's reporting.

"What will next year's League be called?" asked Dick Burns.

That has yet to be determined, like many things going forward. Don't you worry Dick; the name will be splendid.

Anyways, another week has gone by. The big stops are coming up now; select-GMs are putting the pedal to the metal and hoping that the final push into season's end will pay off. Their phalli, as minuscule as they may be compared to yours truly, are swinging 'round the clock, hoping to knock over the competition, blinding them with spew wherever possible.

Nothin' but dick.

The Redemption Stats Machine is pleased to jack out the following statistics for you select-GMs:

"Yo Randy, why da fuck is Burgundy's squares on the chart bigga 'dan evry1 elss?" asked Sitch.

"You're a fucking square," replied Burgundy.

I have no fucking idea; it looked right inside the Redemption Stats Machine, but for some reason when it's converted into a JPEG Burg's squares are getting distorted. Oh, and by the way, that's MR. FUCKING RANDY, Sitch. Also, get some speech lessons or something; gents don't talk like that.

"Dope," said Sitch. "Looking at da chartz, looks like my consistency I spoke about during my NQ is provin' true (dat!)."

Again, you need speech lessons, Sitch. But I concur; the consistency is there ("This ain't no BPC!" yells Sitch). The Redemption is indeed not a Bench Press Contest; it is a strenuous, challenging, emotional roller coaster which should be paced out and planned effectively. Gotta give it to Sitch for slowly climbing the latter (three weeks at a time, no less) and waiting for his window to open.

Aside, there were no real changes in PPGP. Sitch is still tops (averaging 3.50 PPGP), being closely followed by Safari (3.32 PPGP). Burgundy is still in the mix at 3.19 PPGP and Dick Burns rounds out the bunch at 2.73 PPGP.

But who is this week's biggest winner? It is Team TB, who has essentially done what the Calgary Flames should have done five years ago. He's gutted a lot of his roster, replaced it with proven players, and has added 10% to his point totals this week. Sitch was able to add 9%, while Safari added 7% and Burgs added 6%.

"If we're speaking about consistency, then my MPAc spidey-senses are tinkling. According the that Bitch-Sitch, he's due for a change in the rankings since he appears to change positions every three weeks."

"I change positions every three minutes, to keep things interesting," said Dick Burns.

"I agree with Burgs," said Safari. "I believe that a change is afoot. There will be a new leader by the end of next week, and I'll be sure to alert you all with a lion's roar."

"No fucking way," said Sitch. "Now that I've primed myself to Redemption marvel, I'll be at da top fo LYFE!"

Noted, gentlemen. Any last words before we close out the week?

"Yes," said Dick Burns. "I've officially cracked open my 16th pair of boxers."

Wise words, Dick. (And I fucking called that!)